Ask the Experts: The Advent of Saga

The debut of a new Rider is always the source for some discussion. Especially when said Rider has had a great deal of build-up to their premiere. Did they live up to the hype? Will they go down as one of the all-time greats, a truly groundbreaking character that redefines what it means to be a Kamen Rider? Will they be worthy of achieving the same kind of respect and admiration as a Rider 1, a V3, a BLACK, and Agito? (In other words, will they ever make it into a really great Playstation 2 game?) Will they, in short, be THE Rider of the series, even if they're not the lead?

Pfffft, what do I care? I'll probably just say Rider 2's cooler anyway. Which is why, in the interest of fairness, I once again asked some of the stars themselves to weigh in on the latest Rider of all... Kamen Rider Saga!

I won't speak of the Kamen Rider 2009 rumors until I get something more concrete.

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed below do not necessarily conform to the opinions of Igadevil. Numerous series Spoilers also run rampant, so reader beware.

***

Asakura Takeshi
Ex-Convict, Was all the rage in 2002

Wow, so like, this Saga guy, right? A vaguely snake-themed Rider with some purple on 'im who is the butt-kickingest baddest-assest mutha alive? Yeah, haven't seen that before. Also, I liked his belt better when it was called Ridol and didn't talk like Cyber Chip 'n Dale. Also: I'm getting nervous!!1!

Seriously, what is this #$%&? Man, remember the good old days?

Like back in 2002, when Ryuki was new. When the newest Rider of all was... me. That's right!

Like an unexpected punch to the face, I came outta nowhere right as everyone was finished wiping the spat drinks off their screens when it was revealed that Raia was 1) a dude and 2) Ultraman Agul. Oh and the rhino guy was introduced, but who liked him? I punked that loser fair and square... well okay, Kitaoka sort of helped out with that huge attack that like blows up the whole world that he has. Okay fine, so that wasn't really my doing at all, I just came in and stole the kill, like a l33t n00b in [INSERT FIRST PERSON SHOOTER OF CHOICE HERE]. Or somethin'. But come on, how awesome was that? After all that angsting on the part of Ren how he couldn't kill a dude, even if he was a horrible jerk who treats killing people like part of some big video game... in I come, and wipe the floor with that dork like it was going out of style. Oh yeah, baaaaaaay-be.

Okay, how about Imperer/Impaler/Impala/Inpalamadingdongwhatever? I showed that beeyotch who's the man, didn't I? Well okay, I guess Tiger stabbing him through the guts sort of sealed the deal anyway... okay so that doesn't really count either. Still, there's another one I totally owned beforehand. Remember when he like, had that piece of paper or something, and there was stuff? I dunno, the end of the series is kinda a blur to me. Like, remember how I burned to death in that exploding car, but was fine like 10 minutes later? Yeah.

Oh, I know! Raia. Took that pink bastard down like nobody's business, right? Well okay, I guess he was kind of handicapped since his... well, hand was busted up by that monster and all. Also, he sort of was doing a sacrifice since I was intending to kill Kido, so it really wasn't a planned kill per se. I mean, sure, I wanted to kill him, but not then and there, so it kinda doesn't count either, does it? I mean, it's like if Kazami accidentally killed the Destron Leader when he was talking, he wouldn't really be getting proper revenge, would he? Alright, alright...

Aha... Goro when he was Zolda in the last episode! Took down his— well, okay. I guess he did sort of have a death wish and all at that point, plus he essentially won since I thought I was killing Kitaoka, but it turned out to be his metro bodyguard/butler. So I got screwed, and then I went and got shot the hell up... don't worry, I got better. Still though... okay so we won't count that one either. Man, running low on options here...

Ooooooh, I got it. Scissors in the TV Special. I took him down fair and— what? It's not in continuity? That shouldn't matter! Verde's in that, you're telling me he's not in continuity either?

What? I don't know what happened to him in the series. Sure as hell wasn't the first to go though, seeing as how he like, had a billion dollars and was a friggin' tactical genius. He only died cuz Ren had like, pre-death final attack™ like that boss in Final Fantasy VI who casts Ultima before he dies. You know, the tower dude. So Verde was probably, I dunno, on an island in Tahiti the whole time and kept his monster fed on a steady diet of Strawberry Daiquiris and oyster crackers.

Okay fine... so I didn't really kill any Riders in a fair fight, you happy? Jeez. Killed enough Monsters though, didn't I? I sure did.

Oh wait, I got it. I killed my own brother and Femme's older sister in the movie. There!

...helpless innocents you say? Come on man, can't you give a guy a break? I mean, if they really wanted to, they coulda like, whacked me with their shoes to death or something. Right?

Whatever. Those were still the days, man. Back when I used to be somebody. I used to be the STRONGEST RIDER EVER *and* the most badass. I was the Hannibal Lecter of Riders. The Joker of Riders. The whatever-that-crazy-guy-from-"Battle Royale"-that-I-kinda-riffed-on-was-called of Riders. Then Kaixa comes along, and I'm yesterday's news, kiddo.

Well, until Dragon Knight starts, then I'll be—

What? I'm being replaced by some other guy? And now I'm called Strike?

Times like this, I wish I hadn't killed my agent...

***

NEXTy Kazami Shirô
Ex-IT company president/Wine aficionado

Not now. Can't you see I'm decanting wine? Please do no interrupt me during this sacred moment.

And this is no ordinery wine either. Château Pétrus from 1964. That's like, seriously old wine right there. Back in 64, before you were born. I had a slightly older bottle I was decanting but then Hongô showed up asking about my sister. Joke's on him: I don't have a sister!

Well okay, I do. I wish I didn't though.

Seriously, I was all like "Hey, let's make this one a love story too, except it'll be good because it'll be a love story between me and a hot new NEXTy Junko. And the surprise twist... it ends happily!" Everybody wins, right?

But they were like "Nah, this one's going to be a horror film. We haven't quite figured out where the horror will come from though. It has to be something scary. You know, like a monster that kills people. Maybe slices them up, stabs them, that sort of thing. We've got a PG-12 rating so we can have a lot of blood and really gory deaths, but we've got no monsters. I mean really, can you think of any good monsters we could use that would stab/cut people up? Perhaps they have bladed hands, or maybe even a chainsaw. But who could we possibly use? If only we could think of someone."

And they went on: "Also, as for motivation... we haven't figured that out, either. Maybe they kill people as part of some greater evil plan... but whose plan? Who could possibly be behind a series of gruesome killings, who would benefit? We don't have anyone in the movie would be capable of something so terrible. Why, you'd need characters so evil and sadistic, they'd want nothing short of world domination to carry out killings like that."

And finally, they decided: "Hey, I know. The killer is your sister, Kazami. And she's trying to get revenge on the label people, because she's a pop start now, right? Except she died but came back as a mutant due to these nano-thingies. The same ones that turn you into V3, except you don't get the ability to come back to life and create a killer ghost double of yourself, you just kick stuff and it explodes. Oh also, there's a bunch of other killings in the script, we'll make her do those too. Yes I know, those people actually had nothing to do with her getting killed. But really, who else could do them? If only there were some other villains in the movie... So she kills them because they're listening to the one song she recorded before she died. Well, killed herself, but she blames it on everybody else. We're gonna sell the song on CD too, it'll be a big hit! Oh also, she's all ugly and stuff, so we're spending most of the budget on that. So sorry about the non-functional V3 Hopper."

So in short: Miyauchi? Was one lucky bastard.

***

Shadow Moon
Century King/Former SONY spokesman

Wow, so this Saga guy, right? The main hero's childhood best friend who grows up to tragically be his ultimate enemy, and he's treated as near-royalty by his followers and destined to lead them to a new empire on Earth. Yeah, haven't seen that one before.

Just wait. He probably gets to kill Birugenia too.

***

Shindô
TriStar Productions President

Chiharu must live on. Even if she's dead. She must live. Dead or not, she must go on living. Because while she lives, she brings in the money. While she's dead, she doesn't. So it's simple as that. She must live. If she lives, the money comes in. If she doesn't, it doesn't. So therefore, Chiharu must live. If she doesn't live, we can't sell any more CDs with her face on them, because who wants to listen to a dead person? Dead people never stay famous, everyone knows that. So Chiharu must live. While she lives, our sales live as well. They die when she dies. They live while she lives. So if she dies, they can't live anymore because they die on account of the fact that she no longer lives. In other words, our sales live only while Chiharu lives, so as long as she isn't dead they live, because when she dies they die to and as a result of her non-living, our sales die, so she must live if we are to— OH GOD NO MY ARM! ARGH! GET THEM OUT OF HERE! SECURITY! SECURITY! HELP! OH GOD NO THEY'RE EVERYWHERE OH MOTHER OF ALL THAT'S HOLY THEY GOT MY ARM! NO! MY SPLEEN! THEY ARRRRRRRRRGHHHH! EVERYWHERE! HELP! HELP ME, THERE ARE MUPPETS IN MY COCKPITAAAAAAAARGGGGGGGGGGGGgjhadlkj dp03 0idsdskd skadad333333333333fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff

Note from Igadevil: Sadly, before he could finish giving his opinion on Kamen Rider Saga, Shindô-san was devoured by rabid Katô Kazuki fangirls upset over how his screen time detracted from his costar's.

***

Evil Shizuka
Will eat your soul!

OMG! XD

So like, WataruxMio = Worst Pairing Evar!!! Seriously, who writes that trash? WTF Everybody knows that WataruxNago = OTP! 4eva LOL :D

Wait wait wait. You thought I liked Wataru, didn't you? Maybe you did, but you were WRONG! Like, >:C wrong! Ringo-dingo-wrongo. NEway...

A lot of people are wondering what happened to me between the beginning of the series and when I was on that crazy evil binge a while ago. Well, I'll tell you. Wataru was so busy running around with all those other characters that I got neglected, left out in the cold, abandoned! It suxxed. Srlsy.

BUT, while wandering around trying to figure out what to do with myself, I met these guys. They'd been through the same sort of thing, but they came back, stronger and better than ever.

N u know how they did it? They became Riders! So obviously, I need to do the same thing. Yay! :D

Unfortunately, girl Riders are in relatively short supply these days. There's like... -1. So I'll just have to make one up. I call her...

Kamen Rider She!

Because, you know = She = Shi = Shizuka! Squeeeee! It's bwiiiiiiiilliant.

I don't know what sort of powers she'll have, but I'll figure those out in due time. First things first though, I have some WataruxNago crack fic to write...

L8R!

***

Mysterious New Rider
Full-Time Enigmatic Shadowy Figure

What do I think of m— er, Kamen Rider Saga, Hm?

Well, I'll tell you. Three words come to mind. Perfection. Awesome. And Perfection. Sums it all up, really.

I mean, has there ever been a cooler Rider in the history of forever? Didn't think so. That's how great I— I mean, he is! Yeah!

***

Choko
Rider Girl

OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM OM.



***

Kagami Riku
Head of ZECT

Ah yes. Vivaldi. Are you familiar with his works? No? Then perhaps Voltaire, or even Voltron. Very vivacious vowls, all of them. Not villains, but viciously victorious vain Vespa-vowing van-viewing vagabonds, they were.

They remind me of my son. And the rats. Both, but not at the same time. For you see, while my son, like his rat brothers, struggles to survive in a world gone mad, he had the child of Kusakawhateverhisface to help him. That guy. Without him, my son would surely have fallen, like so many rats before him. He would have fallen, but he didn't. When he tripped, when he stumbled, that old guy (you know the one, with the thing) was there to catch him. Like a rat catches cheese as it flees in the breeze, oh jeez.

Ah yes, my son. Gatack's chosen one. The God of War. The STRONGEST RIDER EVER, or so I was told. Arata, how proud of you I am. You and all those like you, rat or otherwise. Yes Araki, it is because of your bravery and dedication that the rats are free to come and go as they please. To steal and eat their cheese. To enjoy a cool summer breeze. To eat their porridge and peas. To list off all the words they know beginning with V's. To throw themselves from the cliff with ease. Just to stop the killing. For the rats, like men, have the best laid plans. They sure as hell beat out the mices'.

BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACH!

Yes Akira, without your bravery and highly-tuned fighting skills, were would we be today? It is by your hand and the greatest in the world powerful shooting skill of victory that peace had returned to the kingdom. And dance the night away we shall. Eggnog indeed.

Speaking of Arashi reminds me of something. It involves time, and the travelling thereof. Now, we all know that Hyper Kabuto went back in time to save himself numerous times, right? And we also know that in the movie, Hyper Kabuto went back to give himself the Henshin Belt, thus fulfilling his own existence even if he then disappeared at the end. Which raises the point that if he never existed in the first place, how could he have gone back to give the belt to himself? The answer lies in the times when he saved himself: clearly, it wasn't him. By this I mean the him from the same timeline. Rather, he had to have travelled back from a future in which he hadn't been able to save himself because otherwise, why would he have gone back? So what happened, my friends, is this:

The Hyper Kabuto from the present went ahead to meet his future self. Except he found a world without his future self. A world without Hyper Kabuto. A world without rats. A world without rules, rights, rhymes, rainbows, raspberries, rafts, rhinos, rings, running, roads and rotaries. So that Hyper Kabuto went back to the present for us, but the past for him, to a point prior to when he left in the first place. He assisted the past self that used to be him, but was no longer him since he had become the future Hyper Kabuto due to the fact that he was travelling back to help a past version of himself. But he couldn't be the same anymore, because there was no future version for him, so therefore he couldn't be the Hyper Kabuto from the future, because there never was a past! So he couldn't have gone back to save his own ass, even though it never was him! As a result, a paradox was created, in which the Hyper Kabuto from Timeline A saved that of Timelines B, 4 and Red. Meanwhile, the Timeline X Hyper Kabuto teamed up with the Timeline Green Hyper Kabuto to resucue the rats from Undoogmor, Dread-Pirate Lord of the 7th World. A cruel tyrant who sought to erase ratkind from the world with an army of Demon Chairs, he was stopped by the combined might of 750. 750 of what, nobody knows, for the tome all this is recorded in was lost to the fires of time. And we forgot all of this in the first place because it was wiped from history. As far as your or I know, this is an event which never took place even though we remember it, despite it having never happened in the first place.

The moral of the story: It was by your quick-thinking Ayako that the world was saved, Godspeed, my son. Godspeed to the greater tomorrow that lies beyond the rat-infested today. And a Merry Christmas to all!

***

Shin Kamen Rider
The True Masked Rider

Hey everybody!

So my movie's out on DVD at last, my fan base is now in the double digits, and I'm now looked upon with tolerance and respect, unlike Chiharu!

It's a good time to be alive!

***

Yaguruma Sô
MY LIFE IS AWESOME :D

Ha! You didn't seriously think we'd get through one of these without comments from me, did you? I am, after all, the de facto Guest Blogger. Igadevil even promised me I'll get a whole week of control next year, barring "accidents" and "only if you talk about Sigma at some point." Can do, captain!

Right, so what's the deal, you say. What happened to the moody 'ol Yaguruma of old, right? Well, I'll tell you what happened: Go-Onger happened. That's right. Not only am I THE BEST RIDER EVER, I'm now also THE BEST RANGER EVER! That's right. Next year: Ultraman, here I come!

You see, things were looking pretty bad at the end of Kabuto. Kageyama died (he got better) and the writers basically forgot I existed in the last episode. That fop Daisuke got a shout-out, but me? Nothin'.

What I did get though, was a hot sister and a talking helicopter friend! How sweet is that? Not to mention a shiny new costume and kickass... uh, whatever I have powers. Yeah! Plus I'm part of the best team ever! Well okay, the others are all kinda dumb, but hot sister! Plus Yellow whatsherface, I am all over that!

Since then, it's just been a wave of success with no signs of slowing down. Well, I guess it will once the show ends, but I'll figure out something to do with my merchandise sales. Oh yes. I bet you heard that I got a FiguArts figure recently? As did Aibô, and I gotta say, we look great! But then, we would. Cuz we're us.

So there you go. Loser no more, baby. Now I'm a winner. No more envy from this cool cat. Well, at least not until the next time I find myself sitting around in the gutter wondering where the hell the Hopper Zecters came from.

LIGHTNESS!!!

***

A Special Public Service Announcement

Yaguruma Sô
Bringer of Darkness, Self-proclaimed "IKRB #1 Guest-Host"

So. It has come to this moment at last. The moment which the whole of creation itself has been preparing for.

No, I'm not talking about the upcoming appearance in the Kamen Rider Kiva movie that I'm trying to work out. They dropped the ball by not featuring me in that Climax Dukes or whatever it was called, but there's always the next one right? And barring that, I'm sure I can get in on that Kamen Rider Dragon Thing Night Show. You know, that one. It looks like it will be dark enough after all. And if there's one thing I like, it's the dark. As in darkness. DARK-NESS. Yes. Few things can match it. Kageyama maybe, but don't tell him I said that. Actually wait, seeing as how I told him about 14 times in the last 6 minutes, I guess it's okay. He really is the best, right?

Instant Ramen comes close too. Just the other day, we were sulking around the bridge trying to stay out of view of the light and all the laughing, smiling children of the world, and somehow or another I got on the subject of how much more ass Ramen kicks than Soba. I mean really. Tendork and his lapdog Crapgami might be all about the Yakisoba bread and the place that Todo...Tada...Todoo... whatever his named was ran. Or was it his brother? Doesn't matter, he was workin' there at the end. Spoiler warning btw, but come on. Spoiler warning are for winners. Losers like us, we learn the whole story before the show even starts. Why stay in the dark when you can be enlightened by the tru.... er, I mean, no! Spoilers bad. Stay in the darkness, the blissful ignorance of the shadows. That's where it's at.

Anyway... oh hang on, I was supposed to tell you something, wasn't I? Yes I was. And yes it was to you. You. You who I envy, sitting there, reading this. Or possibly standing, or crouching on your knees because you, like me, are under that bridge, defying the light to reach where no light can possibly reach. Wait... yeah, okay. Wasn't sure if that made any sense. Anyway, you.

I envy you. Not the you that happens to be there right now, not the you that will be there tomorrow or last week or on Tuesday. No, the real you. Because there are two kinds of yous. The you-you and the other you. One of light, one of darkness, and one in between. Wait.... no, I'm right. Two of you. Two. Double. Twins. Like Kageyama and me, only less dark. Because really, does it get any darker than us? We're losers, we are.... but Kageyama is the best. Well, he says I'm the best, but it's really him. But yeah, total losers. No room in the light for us, no time for—

Are you laughing at me?

Good. I thought you were just now. You laugh. Laugh. Go ahead and laugh. It won't save you from the darkness. It won't save any of us. The darkness is eternal, it comes and goes like the wind, covering the—

Oh! Sorry. That's right, Igadevil asked me to bring you this important message (of Darkness:)

"Hi folks. Despite numerous setbacks, unexpected technical issues, a generally hectic past few months and all that, the IKRB will soon be back in full swing. I'll finally get around to my thoughts on Kiva thus far on Friday. Saturday will be... a lot of V3 reviews. Sunday will be Kiva. And after that, I'll be trying a new format for this blog. It's mostly just a refined version of the one I had going for a while, but will hopefully allow me more free time to work on the rest of the site, which is long overdo for an update. I do plan to eventually get back to daily updates on this blog, but for the time being, it'll be a "most of the week"-sort of thing. I'll explain later. Hope you like the new style, it's a bit of an experiment as well. Thanks for all the patience and support. Lots more to come soon!

-Igadevil"

So. Sounds pretty good, doesn't it? New reviews, articles, features, etc. I envy him. And the layout. I like that too. Dark. Dark is good. I like the dark. I envy it. And I envy you. But you already knew that, didn't you?

Of course, I'll still be here. If those cameos fall through, I've always got this blogging thing to fall back on. Like a big soft pillow darkness, it's right there, waiting for my head to smack into like a ton of bricks on a puppy. Yeah, I went there.

Where I didn't go, though, was to Heaven. No, I fell into Hell, and saw things you wouldn't believe. Or maybe you would, but you wouldn't want to believe them. I know I didn't.

Wait. I didn't wouldn't want to believe them... so does that mean I did? I'm confused.

Kageyama will know. He really is the best.

(Don't tell him I said that.)

***

Rider Haiku with Momotaros

Momotaros' thoughts on Den-O's continuing success (which I'll comment on one of these days!)

***

Point/Counterpoint: Faiz vs. Kaixa

Warning: Spoilers for Kamen Rider Faiz and other series probable. But the stars told me they feel that it's really your own fault if you haven't watched them yet!

Kusaka: You &#$%ing suck.

Inui Takumi
Part-time Dry Cleaner

There are three things in this world I really hate. Hot liquids. Hate 'em. People stealing my laundry. Hate those too.

And then there's Kusaka.

My God, what an incredible bastard that guy is. He swoops in, uses the belt that just caused like ten billion guys to die if they even put it on, and kicks Mr. whatsisname's (it was K-something I think) butt. And everybody thinks he's like, the greatest thing ever! I've barely been able to enjoy that for a dozen episodes and suddenly Ku-sucker Masato is the hottest thing since... well, either Ryuki Survive or Kamen Rider Ouja, depending on if you liked him or not (dude was all talk if you ask me; he got owned by a bunch of cops. I took on a friggin' assault vehicle with a crazy gun-shooting monster riding on it!)

But Kusaka... come on, man. He's not even in the same league as those guys (or me, especially me.) He's just some jackass-of-all-trades with a belt, and he gets his ugly mug right there next to real winners like Rider 1 or Agito or... well, me. What the hell, right?

Let's go over the main points, shall we?

1. Kusaka is just some loser who keeps having a flashback about some time when he was drowning or something that never really makes any sense. He was also Mari's classmate as a child, and like everybody else in her class, was a total freak. Then he like, died or something, but came back, and now had to carry Handy Wipes around with him at all times. What the? Like that makes any sense. If I got blood on my hands, I wouldn't freak the hell out (like I did with the Orphenoc ash, but... well... shut up!) I would totally make a fist and punch whatever just bled on me. That would show them.

2. He's got a robot. Big whoop. I got 1 too.

2. That "X" thing? Been done before, and better. And no, don't try to tell me it's different because it's a Greek letter, and that pun? Come on, man. At least Faiz makes sense.

...well okay, maybe not, but you know what I mean.

4... no wait, 3. No... 4. Yeah, 4. I cannot freaking believe that my "holy trinity" includes Kusaka and that bonehead Mihara. Agito got Gills & G3-X. Ryuki got Knight & Zolda. Blade got Garren, Chalice AND Leangle. Hibiki had Ibuki & Todoroki. Kabuto had... well okay, Gatack, and maybe Drake since he didn't die. And Den-O had Zeronos, plus like himself a million times over. I get...

Kusaka, who we've already established is a total jerkwad, and Mihara, who was about as useful as a broken key. I mean, seriously. Remember that final three-on-one against the Arc/Arch/Archie/Whatever Orphenoch? The one where at least I had Kiba backing me up, even if he had turned into a total evil asshat for some reason a couple episodes prior? Yeah, that one. We could have spotted the other side Mihara, and we still would have won! That's how bad he is.

But he's still better than Kusaka, who if I haven't made it clear by now, I. Really. Really. Don't. Like.

...but he is useful in those big fights and as long as he washes the van, I'll let him stick around.

But I'll be watching his every move.

Every.

Last.

One.

Also: He's like, 27 and Mari is like 15. Yeah, draw your own conclusions.

***

You can't spell "Team" without "emo"!

Kusaka Masato
Hero to the masses

HAHAHA ROFLcopter! Oh Inui, you crack me up. You're like if all the greatest comedians in the world got together and had a baby, and then someone took DNA samples from them to make a super being who then married that baby and THEIR kid is you. For realz.

Let's get something straight kids: I? Am Awesome. And that's all there is to it really. I mean check it out: Where all those other losers failed, I succeeded. Not only did I excel at every damn sport in the world (and that includes the illegal ones like Murderball and Armed Handball) but I used the Kaixa gear and, get this— didn't crumble away like a poorly-constructed pyramid! No, I survived, and used it again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and THEN it stopped working, but I blame "Dad" for that one. Wasn't my fault.

And hey, I also was able to use the Faiz and Delta gear! And in the original ending of the movie, I got to turn into Psyga (after I kicked that English-spouting moron's butt with my awesome giant robot) and the other one who nobody remembers not, but he was the #$%& back in the day! MIRITE!? YARLY!

So face it, Dorkumi; you're stuck with me as part of your trio of heroes because really, who else is there? Mari couldn't use the Faiz gear if she tried, Keitarô is slightly less idiotic than you, and And Mihara? Come on. Mihara couldn't beat himself if he tried. At least he was loyal though and hit things when I told him to, which is why he's our third wheel. Hey, it was the best we could manage; everybody else who used the Delta Gear either went crazy and died or was evil! Slim pickings there.

But you and mean, Inui, you and me. We're the real dream team. I know, we had our spats now and then, especially that one time when you flipped the %*&$ out and attacked me (so you see, it's really all YOUR fault!) but come on guy, when the chips are down and all the World's a stage, we're like bread and butter. We complete each other. In a totally platonic sort of way just in case you weren't sure. So yeah. Teamwork. That's what it's all about.

And part of teamwork is being able to critique and learn from each other, right buuuuuuuuuuddy? So let's talk about insecurities. Insecurities, hah! You think I'm insecure, look in a mirror some time, pal-a-rino. I think you're just imposing your own insecurities on me because it's really YOU who are insecure! Now that's pot calling the kettle black, or whatever the hell that expression is (and seriously; who the #$%& cares anymore? We don't need pots, we have microwaves for stuff like that now.)

And complain about my flashbacks all you want, but they make a hell of a lot more sense than any of yours. Oh yeah, I can totally buy the whole thing about you just happening to drive past our big barbecue reunion special thing, and then that creepy underage kid that Lucky Clover has shows up and kills everybody (with some help from a monster who nobody remembered after that!) Ace bit of plotting there, writers.

Also, I could kick your butt any day. Just to let you know.

So chew on that, Tak-kun. You make a good human shield now, but one of these days, I'm going to kill you in your sleep and Mari will be mine.

P.S. You suck!

P.P.S. ...by the way, could you come by and give a pal a hand ? I locked myself in the van again...

***

Guest Column: Bright! Our Chosen Future Soldier

From time to time, I like to open up this blog to give others a chance to let their voices be heard. Unfortunately, nobody ever answers the call. So I have to resort to asking one of the stars themselves to rise to the task... once again.

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed below do not necessarily conform to the opinions of Igadevil.

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Ichimonji Hayato
Freelance Identity Crisis-ist/Professional Ladies' Man

Now I dunno about you guys, but I've yet to come across anyone who is as thrilled as I am that I'll be returning to the big screen all across Japan (Note: in select theaters only) tomorrow for Kamen Rider THE NEXT, the sequel to 2005's Kamen Rider THE FIRST. I mean, seriously.

I asked Hongô, and he was all moody and broody as usual, going on about how much his life sucks and how Shocker's always out to get him and especially in this movie, where he's saddled with being a teacher at like MIT-Japan or something and he's got this girl hanging around with him but she isn't Asuka, and his helmet's all beat up now and his costume changed color for no reason and unlike in the TV series, Kazami isn't his loyal friend and junior student but some dork with nanobots runnin' around in him, and on top of all that, he still can't be as badass as Fujioka's Rider 1, even when he does crazy stuff like stop a motorcycle tire with his bare hands and...

Oh sorry, I've just been informed I can't talk about movie spoilers yet. You'll have to wait for Igadevil's review when he gets back from the theater. Well, I suppose other people might see it too and post about it online, but c'mon, will it really be the same? It'll probably just be more of the usual "I didn't get it, I never watched the original series so I don't understand why they are grasshoppers now? I thought Kamen Rider was a beetle guy." Screw that noise, right guys? And also, just to throw it out there, I am not that Katsuhiko guy, okay?

Ah yes, Katsuhiko. You think he'll be explained at all in the movie? Ha! You wish. They don't bother to... oh sorry, I can't get into that, can I?

Um... let's see. I know. I'll talk about the new costumes. Everybody's seen those, right? Look cool, don't they? After 2 years of fighting, our costumes are all beat up, and mine is downright decaying because of that "Rejection" thingy. And I'm throwing up blood! The movie gets a PG-12 rating cuz I throw up blood and we see Chainsaw Lizard topless or something. Wait, does that count at a spoiler? I dunno. There's some other stuff too, but you'll have to read about that in Igadevil's upcoming review. Oh, did I meantion the Shocker Riders are in it? Yeah, except they all look the same this time. So it's official: from here on out, everyone who can't tell the original series Shocker Riders apart has no excuse. Learn those colors and learn them well, gang. I mean, nobody has trouble telling Kuuga's forms apart, even when they just slapped some gold on here and there, right? Wait, does that count as a spoiler? I mean, not everybody's seen Kuuga's show yet.

Although, I gotta say, it's like 8 years old or something, where've you been? Get with the times, people. Also, back on the subject of your dead fiancee, who I'm not, just so we're clear... oh sorry, I thought you were Asuka. It happens, you see. She's been gone so long now, I just start thinking she'll jump out of the bushes on me at any minute. That at any given time, the person I'm talking with will just pull off a rubber mask and it'll be Asuka and she'll be like "Boo!". Or maybe she had some plastic surgery or something. Ya know, if you squint really hard, Den-O's sister looks like she could be Asuka from a distance, so who knows, right? Er, wait... what was I talking about again?

Oh right. The movie. Well, I can't tell you anything you don't already know, which probably isn't much, but trust me, you'll be knowing a whole lot more in the near future. Like, maybe even tomorrow! Or maybe not. Maybe like, wherever you are, tomorrow's when all hell breaks loose and demons invade or something. I dunno, does that ever happen outside of Japan? Because it seems like there's something going on every week here or the other... hey, you know, I used to be Ultraman Agul? I was badass back then. Badass now, too. I'm just made of badassity, aren't I?

Sorry guys, I'm rambling on, I know, but I'm trying like hell to avoid movie spoilers. It's tough, it really is. I'm doing my best, I really am.

Okay, I can't take it any more.

I have to spoil just one thing. Just one.

Seriously, if you don't want to know, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, DON'T SCROLL DOWN.

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...





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Okay? Well, here goes.

Remember how Kagami's dad was in the first movie? And he like, died in the opening scene?





...





Well, he's back in this one.

***

Kagami Riku
Head of ZECT


MOOOOOOOOZZZZZZAAAAAAAAARRRRRRTTTTTT!

Yes my friends, one and all, it is true: I shalt haveth returnedeth inth theth movieth. Kamen Rider Kabuto the Next I think it is called? What? Not Kabuto you say? Just as well perhaps. After all, I saw fit to include the Red Shoes System as a way to keep the dancing going. And oh, what a dancing it will be! Dance after dance after dance, why, you could almost form your own dancing team! Speaking of dancing, let's pause for a minute and remember the rats fondly, for they gave their lives for all, just to stop the senseless killing... the rats, the lemmings, and the lemming-rats, oh they of the genetic mishaps that were churned out in the early days, the days before the dark times.

Before the Empire.

An Empire of the Cats, my friends. An Empire of the Cats. And the Dogs, and the Birds, and a lot of other animals who I will capitalize for your enjoyment.

Are you familiar with the works of Poe? Or perhaps you are more of a Decartes-type Pokey Man? See, I made a pop-cultural reference, I can be hip in spite of what my idiot son believes. His old man can throw a fast ball like none other. In fact, I used to play on the company team. And by the company, I mean the police, that's what we called it back then, the company. No capitalization, it wasn't that special. Now then, those were the days. The days when men were men, women were men, and all the world was a stage. I believe it was Shakespeare who said "It takes one to know one" and it was Holmes who said "Yo yo yo, this be my muth#$%&* solid-gold plated magnifying glass mutha#$%ers!" Or maybe not, I admit I didn't bother to go back and check.

But oh, the dancing! The dancing. Indeed. How it makes me long for those old days, before the dark times, the empires and the capitalization. Back when you could put your apple pies on the windowsill to cool without fear of pie-eating crows attacking your cornfield, harvesting your hired hands like they were so many tasty piece of penny candy. When neighbors trusted each other with their lives, even if they were literally stabbing each other in the back with a misplaced pitchfork. Back to the days when farm animals dreamt not of Communist revolution or Machiavellian space-colony takeovers, but only of tomorrow's slop bucket.

Oh, those days. Those dying, dying days.

VOLTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIRE!

***

Ask the Experts: Holding out for a Ryôtarô

Some love him, some pity him, and I don't think any sane person wants to actually be him, but if there's one thing that Nogami Ryôtarô/Kamen Rider Den-O has, it's a strong opinion. And now he's here to answer your Kamen Rider questions, in a very special edition of Ask The Experts.

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Dear Ryôtarô,

Those drinks your sister always makes look good! Can you give me the recipes?

-airiozaki4eva


Nogami Ryôtarô
Greatest in the world unfortunate cameraman guy

Uh... hello. Well, um, er, you see... OH GOD PLEASE DON'T HIT ME! NOOOOOOOOOOOO! AH! AH!

Ah... haha. Sorry. I thought you were one of those gang members. Well, let's see. My big sister's drink mixes are a special family secret, I'm afraid. I asked her one time, you see. I wanted to make a Grass-Flavored Frappuccino for myself after a hard day of getting thrown through the windshield of a bus and getting my bike repaired after some kindly old man back up over it by accident and getting held hostage by a crazy guy with a knife and getting trampled by a football team and getting electrocuted while changing a lightbulb at the Milk Dipper and getting shot in the head by one of Ozaki's vengeful ex-girlfriends and getting kicked in the groin by schoolgirls who thought I was a creepy stalker when I was just trying to return the cellphone strap they dropped, and she pulled me aside and said something that to this day I'll never forget.

She said "Ryô-chan, the recipes for my drinks are a secret Nogami family recipes passed down from generation to generation. They have been finetuned over the years until now, when they are in their utmost perfect form. However, with the flowing of time has come the loss of the original recipes themselves, so I've had to substitute a few things here and there. And that is why what was once a Tropical Passion Fruit Smoothie is now a Poppy Seed & Strained Pea Water Daiquiri, and what used to be a Malt Chocolate Protein Shake has become what I like to call Airi's Pond Scum Specialty. Miura was brave enough to try it the other day. Speaking of which, I wonder how he's doing over at the hospital? Well, in any case, the point is that even if I wanted to tell you the recipes, I couldn't, because I just don't remember them anymore. Like that telescope over there. You know, that one. Yeah. It is a memory lost to the ages, swept over by the sands of time. But sometimes, if I try to remember them, they will appear before me, and otherwise they just sleep somewhere in my mind LOLZ DOCTOR WHO REFERENCE FTW!!!1!"

So you see, nobody but my sister really knows the answers for sure. Sorry. No really, I'm sorry. Really sorry. REALLY! OH GOD PLEASE DON'T HIT ME! AH! AH! OH GOD NOOOOOOO!

***

Dear Ryôtarô,

Which should I watch first: Kamen Rider Faiz, Kamen Rider Blade, or Kamen Rider Kabuto?

-ryuki2002


MomoRyôtarô
Always starts on a climax

Ore Sanjou! Oi oi oi! Who do you think you are, the stinky flower woman? I don't answer to nobody but myself. So you can take your questions and stuff 'em. I'll tell you what I think is important. Get it? Got it? Good. Now sit back and listen up. This is important, and there will be a quiz at the end. And if you get anything wrong, I'll give you a taste of my hissatsu waza. Ohhhhhhhh, yeah!

I dunno about you guys, but I'm gettin' tired of all these newbies coming in and cramping my style, ya know? Take that turtle bastard for instance. He thinks he's soooo special just because he can dress like a dork and score with the ladies. But you know what? Screw that noise! I could kick his butt with one hand, one leg, and one eye tied behind my back! Because when it comes to fightin', nobody— and I mean nobody— tops the big red one. I mean, I'm a literal demon! I could probably take on the entire world all at once and win. I'm just that badass! Haha! I love fighting! I could eat fighting, sleep fighting, breath fighting, and cr— well, you get the idea. But fightin' is good. Just you wait, later in the series, I'll be fighting like, every Rider monster ever. Well, assuming the budget doesn't run out. But hey, stock footage costs like... um... not much! So yeah. Every monster ever!

And how about that big dumb bear? Stubborn as a... well, a bear, I guess. I'll tell you what though, it isn't that he's tough, it's that he's too stupid to move when I punch him in the face!How dumb can you get? He doesn't even know when I'm kicking his own—

What? Aw, crap. Well, Ryôtarô wants me to answer the stupid question, and Hana's threatening to beat the @#$% out of me, so we might as well get on with it, huh? I mean, it's not like I *want* to answer it, but seeing as how I'm in his body and Hana is like right there and ready to flip out like she always does (just between us, she seriously needs to take some anger management classes. Or loosen up and do the horizontal tango with Urataros) and... okay, where were we? Um...

Right. Blade vs. Faiz vs. Kabuto. I say, screw em all, I could take every one of—

Okay okay! Jeez. I guess when it all comes down to it, you have to look at what they use in battle. Blade has like, playing cards or somethin', while Faiz shoots people with a cell phone. And Kabuto has these like, bug things that come outta a tear in the fabric of the universe or some @#$%, and this neat gun/axe/knife thing. Oh, and he can travel in time, so I guess that makes him the toughest. Aside from me, because I'll just time travel back before he can time travel and kick his ass first! Woo-hoo. Yeah! It's a climax as soon as I get started!

...What? Doesn't answer the question? Forget that, just watch all three of them ya lazy dorks. Now excuse me, I gotta go find something to fight. I love fighting! Fighting is good. Can't argue with that logic! Mmm mmm, fighting!

***

Dear Ryôtarô,

Who's hotter: Misaki, Hiyori, or Renge?

-gattackattack


UraRyôtarô
Too sexy for his shirt

Awwwwwwwwwww, yeah, girl. You're so fine! You and me are gonna—
*Ahem* Sorry. I tend to get a little carried away sometimes. It's Ryôtarô's body, you see. He is just such a blank slate! Seriously, you walk a mile in this guy's shoes, and you can be anything you want to be. And right now, I want to be your sugar daddy, baby. Bow-chika-wow-wow. Uh-huh. Yeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

Whoa! uh, sorry about that, I thought you were Hana. Where was I? Oh yes. Well, let's see. There's no easy answer to this question. It's sort of like deciding between a nice long fishing pole with that extra length, as opposed to the shorter one with superior width. On the one hand, the long one gives you that extra reach, and you can push it further, you know what I mean? But the wider one has more stability, and thus more force to it. It's not going to snap like a twig in a gentle fall breeze. Speaking of which, has anyone ever mentioned how lovely your hair looks in a gentle fall breeze? It's so fleeting, like the morning dew, and— er, sorry. But you have to admit, it is pretty luscious. Just like your— well, the less said the better, I suppose.

Anyway, I think we need to look at the facts here. Hiyori is pretty cute, but she's also... well, in the interest of avoiding spoilers, let's just say she's got a very overprotective guardian. And by guardian I mean older brother. And by older brother I mean... you know, I could be your older brother if you want. Just say my name, and I'll be there for you, just like that song says—

Gah! Sorry about that. Really. I'll stick to the question, promise. Renge was something to write home about, but let's face it: she's also totally bassackwards insane, and a terrible cook. And really, where's the love if the food isn't good? If you've ever seen Tampopo, you know that food is a highly er—

Oh, sorry, I guess I can't go into detail. This is a family-oriented blog anyway. But Renge, yeah. That whole thing with her being in the military and stuff? Total turn-off. I like my women like I like my fish- lean, trim, and not ugly. So yeah, I guess I'll have to go with Misaki. Because, let me tell you guys, she was all over Tsurugi even though he was like, totally younger than her. And the older woman/younger guy thing? Totally HAWT, IMHO. And that's no lie. I may lie a lot, like that one time I lied about Ryôtarô's age to get him/me/us into that club, but when I'm talking about 1) girls and 2) fishing, it's just the facts, bayyyyyyyyyyyyyby. Oh yeah. Cold as ice.

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Dear Ryôtarô,

What is the name of Skyrider's show? Igadevil.com calls it "New Kamen Rider", but some people say it's "Kamen Rider (Skyrider)" or just "Kamen Rider" or just "Skyrider" or just "That really friggin' awesome show where the hero has a Rider Spinal-Damage attack"

-oldskoolrider12783


KinRyôtarô
You cried cuz of his strength!

Cry? Did someone say cry? Honnara, don't cry! Kintaros is here, and he'll fix everything. Oh wait, I'm Kintaros, aren't I? I mean, I'll fix everything. NAKERUDE! I'm from Kansai!

So, Skyrider you say, chau? Never heard of him, but he sounds like a worthy opponent. I'm from Kansai! It's so hard to find good ones these days. I haven't had a really good fight since... well, I guess the one I had with that Ivy guy was good, but if we're talking about a MECCHA good fight, wait until the next episode of my show. I mean, it's going to have all those Imagin coming back and—

Well, yeah, okay. Technically, it's Ryôtarô's show, but hey, right now, I am Ryôtarô! I'm from Kansai! How cool is that, naa? Lookit me, I'm a pretty boy now, for cryin' out loud!

Wait, did someone say cry? Don't cry! Here, wipe your tears with this. There we are. I'm from Kansai! Now, back to Slyride door or whatever it was called. I don't know much about things that don't involve hitting stuff, but I do know that the one they call "igadevil" is generally right about like, a ton of things, so I'd listen to him. I think he said somewhere that "New Kamen Rider is the generally-accepted named used by fans as well as by guidebooks to set it apart from the original series" or somethin', and if you disagree with that logic, you're probably an ahou. What would I know though? I'd know this: How to fix your problems, whatever they may be. I'm good at fixing things. There's nothing I can't fix! I'm from Kansai!

...well okay, I can't do long division, but really, who can? It's totally akan. Hey, did I mention I'm from Kansai yet?

***

Dear Ryôtarô,

Who would win in a Matrix-style gun fight: Zolda, Delta, Garren, Ibuki, or Drake? Or would Roborider just come in an own them all?

-Kunaigun4


RyuuRyôtarô
LAWLZ B1G GUN!!1

HAHAHA WOOOOOO~! LOOKIT ME, I GOTA DANCE! GOTA DANCE, GOTA DANCE, WOHOOOO! II JUMP II JUMP SUGEI JUMP!

HEI, HEI GAIZ! IS IT OK IF I DANCE IN TEH PARK1/? HAHA LOLZERS! WHOOOO! YAH YEAH BABAY WOHOOOOO! DANCEY DANCEY DANCEY! HAHAHA HEI LOOK A SANWICH! HAHA LOALZ!!!11!!one II JUMP II JUMP SUGEI JUMP! JUMP! JUMP!

LOL OKAY, ENOUGH JOKES. LIKE, GARREN PWNS BECUZ HE IS JAWESOME!!!!1!!1!010101010101!!!! II JUMP! YOU KNOW, HAHAHA! LOWLZERS! AND NOW U R PROB LIK WUT ORLY?!?!? NO WAI!!! AN IM LIKE YES WAI!!!!1!! HAHA LOLZ. HEI HEI U NO HU IS TEH JAWESOME!?!?!/!??!?!?1//? AMINIMALZ!!!! HAHAHA LOL YAH RLY!!!1!!

I LUV AMNINMANSL!!! HAHAHA! THEY R SO KUUT N FUZZY N STUFF!! I WANT TO B FRIENDS W/ U IF U LIKE AMNIMANSL RAISE UR HAND AN B LIKE WOOOOOO! ANMINANLMALS R SO COOOOOL!!!!1!1!!! HAHAHA LOLWLZEORS! III JUMP!

HEI HEI WANT TO HERE A GUD JOKES!? YAH RLY, LIKE WUT HAPPENS WHEN U R ON ROLLERSKATES AND U LOLZ!? GESS WUT? YOU HAVE LOLLERSKATES!!!111! HAHAHAHAHAH!!! WOOOOOOOO! I LUV ME THE AMNINMANLS!!! HAHAHAHA!!!!!111!one11!!!!1!!!1!!exclamationmark

ROWTAROZ BODEE IS SO FUN111!!! HAHA I CUD LIKE B IN IT ALL DEI!!! HAHA LOWLZEROS! LAWLZ! WOOOO! II JUMP II JUMP SUGEI JUMP! JUMP! HAHAHAHA! LAWLZ!!! B1G GUN GO BANG BANG!!!1!1 LOWLZEORS!!!

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Point/Counterpoint: The Better Hopper

Warning: Spoilers Probable. Nonsense, Definitely.

You really are the best, Aibô

Yaguruma Sô
Tormented Soul with a Heart of Gold

I envy you. And no, I'm not talking about you- sitting there, safe and sound behind your monitor, drinking your soda and eating your Cheetos, simultaneously flipping between reading this and browsing Wikipedia for an explanation about that whack-ass "Three-Gen" system and playing the end of the last Den-O episode over and over so you can hear "Double Action Rod Form" again (since the single hasn't been leaked yet.) Believe it or not, for once, I don't envy you. Well I do, but not as much as I envy someone else right now.

That's right, I'm talking about you, Aibô. My partner in crime, the one and only Kageyama. You are the Jelly to my Peanut Butter, the Luigi to my Mario, the Chips to my Fish, the Chewbacca to my Han. I'd almost say you're even the Ichimonji to my Hongô, but I'm pretty sure they'd come beat the hell out of us if I did, so how about the Yuuki to my Kazami? That's close enough, right?

Oh, who am I kidding? Even if they came after us, we could take 'em. Because when we're together, nothing can stop us. Well, almost. I suppose a really, really big sword or gun (or swordgun, that is, a sword with a gun on it) or Renge's cooking could come close, but beyond that? We could take anybody.

Asakura? Please. Dude was all talk. "Lookit me, I'm crazeeee! Wooo!" Yeah, get in line, buddy. So what if you burned your house down or some junk. Oh yeah, and the purple? Not exactly the color of royalty you're trying to pass it off as. When even the pink guy is more of a man than you are, you know something's up. And what was up with that sword, anyway? "I'll horn you good!" Yeah, real threatening. But the best part, is that so-called Rider Kick of yours. Let's compare notes:

Me: Throws a lever, jumps up in the air, throws lever in reverse (with some really kickass sound effects, to boot) and then flying death is rained upon the enemy. Again, and again, and again. Yeah, I know I only did that like... well... once, but hey.

You: Run like a doofus with your arms up like that. What, are you supposed to be flying? And that scissors kick thing looks more like you want to get your enemy in a flying leg headlock, and brother, you don't want to know the ways I could go with that.

Also, what the heck was up with those episodes with the girl on the boat were you like, were good? Did the writers just up and forget that you killed your own brother a couple episodes befor-

Well, I'm getting off track again, aren't I? Forget Oujerrated, let's get back to you, Aibô. I remember the first time we met. That was back when I- or rather, Yaguruma Sô, who became me, because we're the same, just different- was the leader of SHADOW, hereafter known as the Loser Brigade. You were so young, so full of life, and so ambitious. Very ambitious, in fact, so much that you took up TheBee Zecter- which should rightfully be mine, no thanks to that idiot Kagami- and made it your own, at least until its attention deficiency set in again and it went to... wait for it... Tendô.

I like the way I say his name... Tendô. You can practically taste the malice, can't you?

Where was I again? Oh right, you. Or rather, us. We're losers, fallen from grace, the light, and all the other things that cute fluffy bunnies and little heart-shaped candies are made of. Fallen into Hell, from which we're now trying to clamber out of. This darkness, which consumes our hearts with every further minute that we breath, can only be-

Hey! Are you listening to me? Stop playing with that dog!

Right. The darkness, or rather I should say, THE DARKNESS!!1! which exists in the hearts of all men, and probably most women, but then I wouldn't really know seeing as how the writers never bothered to give me a romantic interest.

What? You've gotta be kidding me. Kageyama and I were friends, okay? F-R-I-E-N-D-S. Nothing more. So go impose your fantasies on, I dunno, Kagami and whatsisface rich kid or something. We're too uncool for that school. Because we're losers, remember? And all we have is each other.

Um, anyways, the light... our light, which we're trying once again to grasp. I dunno, I think it was in Siberia or something? Wait a minute, I'm going to have to finish this later, I just saw that White Cactus Worm lady again, man is she something. See? I did have a romantic interest after all! Take that and write a fanfic about it!

***

No, You're The Man Now, Dawg Aniki!

Kageyama Shun
Yaguruma's #1 Bestest Buddy in the Whole Wide World!!!

Aniki! You really are the greatest, did you know that? Just wanted to make sure, in case you forgot. Without you, my life would be nothing. I'd probably be working at Wal*Mart or- oh wait, do we have those in Japan? Well, I'd be working at Daei then, that's good enough.

Hey, you know what? You rock, Aniki! Just in case I didn't make it clear the first time. Anywho, remember that one time when Tendork was all like "Yous guys gotta helps us outs" and we were like "No way, jerkface" and he was all like "FINE! Wahwahwahangstbucket" and Kagami was like "Whuzuh?" and then you were like "Showed them who the bosses are" and I was like "You're awesome, Aniki!" and you were like "No, you're awesome, Aibô"!? Well, I just want you to know, there is nobody who is more awesome than you!

You always say that we're losers, and it's great to suck, and all that, but you know what? Nobody does it better than you, man. You are the best at being the worst, and nobody- I mean nobody- can compare. Rock on for great justice darkness!

And how about when we beat up that Cassisworm guy? Showed him up, right! Ol' Mr. Classyworm was all like "Ooga-booga!" and you were just all badass like "I am Batman!" or something and we totally pwned his blue butt! Yeah! Castroworm was no match for the power of the Hopper Bros. We could take anyone, I bet! Even a million billion Crossworms or whatever. We'd punch and kick all of them until they were just a bunch of splats on the road, and then, and this is my favorite part, we'd totally just walk away like the coolest guys in the world.

You know what, Aniki? I think we should start wearing sunglasses more often! Not only would we look even cooler and more badass, but they'd shield our eyes from the light. It would be like darkness 24/7! Doesn't get better than that, does it?

Oh yeah, have I mentioned that you're the best in a while? Well, you are! You and me, bro, we're the unbeatable team. No matter what happens, we'll always be best buddies. And we'll be together forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever. Even if one or both of us die, because we're so badass that death doesn't come to take us, we let it drive us to the big punchbowl in the sky because we want it to. That's how awesome we, and especially you, are. Never forget that, dude. You. Rock.

Welcome to Yaguruma. Population: Awesome.

***

Guest Column: State of the Yaguruma Address

From time to time, I like to open up the blog to give others a chance to have their voices be heard. Unfortunately, nobody ever answers the call. So I had to resort to asking one of the stars themselves to rise to the task...once again.

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed below do not necessarily conform to the opinions of Igadevil.

***

Yaguruma Sô
Tormented Soul, Part-time Circle K Employee

I envy you. Sitting there behind your computer screen, patiently awaiting the release of Kamen Rider Den-O episode #3. Listening to the leaked full version of Climax Jump over and over and over and over and over and realizing "You know, what the hell is the chorus saying anyway?" Maybe even eating some instant Ramen, but let's not kid ourselves, right?

God, what should I do now, huh? There's no more Perfect Harmony. There is a Hell, and I have seen it. Fallen into it, in fact. Tripped there on the way to the store. Into the deep, dark, scalding recesses; the metaphorical bowels of- actually, I don't like where that analogy is going. Let's just settle for "a really darkbad place". Yeah, I like the sound of that. "Darkbad". As in "Dark" meets "Bad". "Darkbad". Sums up my life right now.

And what is my life like right now, you ask? I'll tell you. After the show ended, and Kageyama...um..."went off to find the light", yeah, that works....things just went topsy-turvy. No Perfect Harmony, you know? Wait, that was when this whole mess first got started. Hang on.

There we go. Sorry, I had to check on the website; even I don't know what the heck was going on at the end there. You may notice I wasn't in the last episode. Some even speculate that I may of died, and then Wikipedia said the same thing. And if Wikipedia says its true, it must be true, right? You just wait. I fully intend for some of this to wind up on Wikipedia eventually. You know it's going to happen.

Anyway, me. Last episode. Yaguruma. Well, the me that is Yaguruma, remember, he's a different guy. Even though he's me. Got it? Good. So what happened to me huh? Toei just forgot about us losers; focused on Tendork and Kajerkmi there. Yeah. So what happened, you ask. Well, I'll tell you guys. See, I didn't buy into that whole necklace fad. What do losers like me need those for, right? Necklaces are shiny. Light is shiny. Therefore, necklaces are like the light, and I can't grasp the light ever agai-

Well, yes, I know I did change my mind and made a big deal about "finding the light that only we can grasp" and all that near the end, but give me a break. I have lost my Aibô, spoiler warning in case you missed that, but hey- who hasn't seen the end of the show by now, right? God knows what with all the fussing people have been doing over Den-O, which- while admittedly pretty cool- is very quickly falling into the same Hell that I, Kamen Rider Kabuto, Furby and pogs have fallen into: the Hell of being the GR8T35T TH1NG 3VAR!!!1! as TheBee Zecter used to say. God, I hate that stupid oversized honeybucket.

So what do I mean by that, you ask? Well, think of it this way: When Kabuto first began, everyone was flipping out in joy. "Stupid-Evil" Hibiki was over and dead; and the 35th Anniversary had arrived, and Kamen Rider looked to have reclaimed its grandeur at last. For some, it was the Second Coming in Rider Form. And yes, the pun is intended.

I envy you. Sorry, just had to get that out. It comes up a lot, y'know.

Right, so everyone loved Kabuto, but the end comes along, Den-O starts, and what happens? Suddenly, the show that ruled over all was the show that @#$%ed up its own time-travel gimmick, featured a static, unlikable protagonist, and totally blew its ending. Well, not everyone felt that way, but many did and still do, and in the end, the many are what matter. Because the majority has never, ever been wrong, right? Wrong. But losers like me, nobody listens to us. I blame the lack of Perfect Harmony. Damn it.

Anyway, all I'm saying is Den-O is riding on a risky track. Yes, pun intended once more, stop rolling your eyes. Think about it: at this time next year, people may be saying the same thing, when Den-O screws up its ending and the next show looks SO much better by comparison. Everyone will change their screen names, avatars and signature banners again, and despite the few remaining loyals fans, people will look back on 2007 as another year of high hopes, raised expectations, and an ultimate letdown when it turns out Ryôtarô wasn't actually developing at all because the entire thing turned out to be a dream, and he wakes up just in time to go get stuck in a tree and have the whole thing repeat, or something like that. On that note, hopefully Toei or Kobayashi isn't reading this.

So what can you do to help? Easy. There's nothing you can do. You can only watch and await the inevitable. That's how the world works, Aibô. Now, there's a chance I could be wrong, and maybe Den-O will have the best ending ever (well, third-best, since it has been scientifically proven that it is impossible to have a better ending than the original series or Kamen Rider Stronger) and it will be a popular and much-loved series for many years after it ends. Or not, but only time will tell, and unfortunately, Den-O can't just go into the future and see what the end of his show is like, because that would create a paradox and all that stuff. Hey, I do have some hobbies; I can't be a butt-kicking badass all the time, right? Right.

Of course, I know one way Den-O would be guarenteed for success, and that's if I were in it. I mean, do you remember how people freaked the $%#@ out the moment I came back? How everyone was changing their names to "Kickhopper21" and "Yaguruma4Ever396"? No? Well, you better hop on the next Den-Liner and time-travel back to see it all happen again, or are you too scared to use the Hyper Zecter?!?

...well yes, I know you can't really do that, but bear with me. I may be a loser, one who has fallen into the shadows, obscured from the light...but I do have dignity, y'know. Anyway...um...where was I...oh yes, me! If I were in the show, not only would I show that Ryôtarô kid what a real badass is, but I'd finally get what I didn't have in Kabuto, and that's multiple forms! Check it out:

*Kick Form: Default, badass me.

*Punch Form: Possessed by the spirit of my dear 'ol Aibô, I gain his powers to beat the living hell out of anything and everything. Yeah, I know he's not an Imagin, but...hey, I *am* Yaguruma, remember?

*Harmony Form: A perfect balance between all other forms, in which I look like the guy who used to be me. Who I am now. Well, I'm not him, but you know what I mean. I even made up a name for the Imagin, I call him "Harmotaros". Not to be confused with "Hamutaro", okay?

*Fell-into-Hell Form: Kinda like when Hibiki sets on fire, except all the time. Ooh, and I get to fly too! And shoot fireballs. Yeah. That would be kickass.

So there you have it. Write to Toei. Tell them you want to see Yaguruma in Kamen Rider Den-O, and damned if they can't understand you writing in English. It'll get through to them. They'll see the light.

God knows I did.

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Psychic Revelations with Tezuka Miyuki!

As often as it may seem otherwise, I am always working on something IKRP-related every day, even if I don't get much free time to actually get much done. It's actually finishing any of it that's the hardest part, and then making it look nice as well. For example, the Shin, ZO & J pages have been in progress for most of last month, and will just finally be good to go in a few days. As slow as it goes at times, it always feels good to finally get new some new stuff out, and considering what sort of things I have in the pipe right now, I thought it would be a cool idea to do a sort of "preview-type thingy" to build anticipation, or at the very least, give people some reassurance that some of the old pages and things that were once a staple of the site didn't die, they just took a coffee break. You know, like Kaijin Of The Month. What ever happened to that? Well, you're about to find out, thanks to the resident Kamen Rider psychic expert, fan-favorite Ryuki character, and guest Igadevil's Kamen Rider Blog columnist, Tezuka Miyuki, aka Kamen Rider Raia!

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What indeed happened to it, dear readers? Or how about pages on Gelshocker & Destron, or the early Shocker Kaijin that Rider 2 fought, or that page on all the evil & imitation Riders from like, 2001 or so? Not to mention-

Well, let's not get ahead of ourselves here. Kaijin Of the Month was one of the most popular parts of IKRP as far back as anyone can remember (which isn't that far, but you know what I mean) despite the fact that it never really lasted very long. There was something like, 4 or 5 of them that spotlighted one Kaijin, then a couple that covered every Kaijin of a particular type (i.e., Spiders, Buffalo, Chameleons, um...Plants were in there too I think.) And then- poof! It vanished like, a couple years ago. Lasted about as long as I did on Ryuki, in fact! Except KOTM never predicted Ren was gonna die and all that stuff, but I digress.

Now sure, you'll be seeing nearly every Rider Kaijin ever get a spot on the site eventually- being a psychic and all, I can already see well into next year, when you'll finally be able to read about that "Kamen Rider TheBee" and such. But what about bigger, more in-depth profiles?

Well my friends, you'll see them too:

The all-new Kaijin Of The Month, starting in January 2007, will be a sort of combination of the past versions, focusing primarily on one Kaijin (first up, Kamen Rider's Shiomaneking) but also giving a little look at related Rider villains, a sort of "Recommended Viewing" list if you will. It serves as a great way to draw parallels throughout the many Rider monsters, and give a little more attention to the bad guys. And maybe even the not-so-bad-guys, because I'm personally vouching for Evildiver to be included. Although ya know, it never really made much sense why I, Kamen Rider Raia, one of the few good Riders on the show, had the monster named "Evildiver". Or why I was pink, despite being one of the more manly ones. I mean, I had a chopper! Compare that to Asakura, who had to be driven around by other people all the time like the punk that he was. But I'm getting off track again here.

So, barring any unforseen accidents (as the mists of the future, like Shinji, are sometimes pretty dense) you can expect the new KOTM to ring in the new year...or maybe even come a few days earlier...)

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Thanks Ichimo-er, I mean, Tezuka-san. So there you go folks. And as an added bonus, I'll even be taking KOTM requests in the future. Anyone from the original Kumo-Otoko up to whoever's stomping around Tokyo this week will be game, but ideally selections should be monsters as opposed to human villains like Doctor Shinigami or Marshal Armor (although their mutant counterparts will be fair game.) The blog will be seeing more psychic previews in the future (irony!), and maybe even a couple other "Guest" columns. Peace out.