Point/Counterpoint: Faiz vs. Kaixa

Warning: Spoilers for Kamen Rider Faiz and other series probable. But the stars told me they feel that it's really your own fault if you haven't watched them yet!

Kusaka: You &#$%ing suck.

Inui Takumi
Part-time Dry Cleaner

There are three things in this world I really hate. Hot liquids. Hate 'em. People stealing my laundry. Hate those too.

And then there's Kusaka.

My God, what an incredible bastard that guy is. He swoops in, uses the belt that just caused like ten billion guys to die if they even put it on, and kicks Mr. whatsisname's (it was K-something I think) butt. And everybody thinks he's like, the greatest thing ever! I've barely been able to enjoy that for a dozen episodes and suddenly Ku-sucker Masato is the hottest thing since... well, either Ryuki Survive or Kamen Rider Ouja, depending on if you liked him or not (dude was all talk if you ask me; he got owned by a bunch of cops. I took on a friggin' assault vehicle with a crazy gun-shooting monster riding on it!)

But Kusaka... come on, man. He's not even in the same league as those guys (or me, especially me.) He's just some jackass-of-all-trades with a belt, and he gets his ugly mug right there next to real winners like Rider 1 or Agito or... well, me. What the hell, right?

Let's go over the main points, shall we?

1. Kusaka is just some loser who keeps having a flashback about some time when he was drowning or something that never really makes any sense. He was also Mari's classmate as a child, and like everybody else in her class, was a total freak. Then he like, died or something, but came back, and now had to carry Handy Wipes around with him at all times. What the? Like that makes any sense. If I got blood on my hands, I wouldn't freak the hell out (like I did with the Orphenoc ash, but... well... shut up!) I would totally make a fist and punch whatever just bled on me. That would show them.

2. He's got a robot. Big whoop. I got 1 too.

2. That "X" thing? Been done before, and better. And no, don't try to tell me it's different because it's a Greek letter, and that pun? Come on, man. At least Faiz makes sense.

...well okay, maybe not, but you know what I mean.

4... no wait, 3. No... 4. Yeah, 4. I cannot freaking believe that my "holy trinity" includes Kusaka and that bonehead Mihara. Agito got Gills & G3-X. Ryuki got Knight & Zolda. Blade got Garren, Chalice AND Leangle. Hibiki had Ibuki & Todoroki. Kabuto had... well okay, Gatack, and maybe Drake since he didn't die. And Den-O had Zeronos, plus like himself a million times over. I get...

Kusaka, who we've already established is a total jerkwad, and Mihara, who was about as useful as a broken key. I mean, seriously. Remember that final three-on-one against the Arc/Arch/Archie/Whatever Orphenoch? The one where at least I had Kiba backing me up, even if he had turned into a total evil asshat for some reason a couple episodes prior? Yeah, that one. We could have spotted the other side Mihara, and we still would have won! That's how bad he is.

But he's still better than Kusaka, who if I haven't made it clear by now, I. Really. Really. Don't. Like.

...but he is useful in those big fights and as long as he washes the van, I'll let him stick around.

But I'll be watching his every move.

Every.

Last.

One.

Also: He's like, 27 and Mari is like 15. Yeah, draw your own conclusions.

***

You can't spell "Team" without "emo"!

Kusaka Masato
Hero to the masses

HAHAHA ROFLcopter! Oh Inui, you crack me up. You're like if all the greatest comedians in the world got together and had a baby, and then someone took DNA samples from them to make a super being who then married that baby and THEIR kid is you. For realz.

Let's get something straight kids: I? Am Awesome. And that's all there is to it really. I mean check it out: Where all those other losers failed, I succeeded. Not only did I excel at every damn sport in the world (and that includes the illegal ones like Murderball and Armed Handball) but I used the Kaixa gear and, get this— didn't crumble away like a poorly-constructed pyramid! No, I survived, and used it again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and THEN it stopped working, but I blame "Dad" for that one. Wasn't my fault.

And hey, I also was able to use the Faiz and Delta gear! And in the original ending of the movie, I got to turn into Psyga (after I kicked that English-spouting moron's butt with my awesome giant robot) and the other one who nobody remembers not, but he was the #$%& back in the day! MIRITE!? YARLY!

So face it, Dorkumi; you're stuck with me as part of your trio of heroes because really, who else is there? Mari couldn't use the Faiz gear if she tried, Keitarô is slightly less idiotic than you, and And Mihara? Come on. Mihara couldn't beat himself if he tried. At least he was loyal though and hit things when I told him to, which is why he's our third wheel. Hey, it was the best we could manage; everybody else who used the Delta Gear either went crazy and died or was evil! Slim pickings there.

But you and mean, Inui, you and me. We're the real dream team. I know, we had our spats now and then, especially that one time when you flipped the %*&$ out and attacked me (so you see, it's really all YOUR fault!) but come on guy, when the chips are down and all the World's a stage, we're like bread and butter. We complete each other. In a totally platonic sort of way just in case you weren't sure. So yeah. Teamwork. That's what it's all about.

And part of teamwork is being able to critique and learn from each other, right buuuuuuuuuuddy? So let's talk about insecurities. Insecurities, hah! You think I'm insecure, look in a mirror some time, pal-a-rino. I think you're just imposing your own insecurities on me because it's really YOU who are insecure! Now that's pot calling the kettle black, or whatever the hell that expression is (and seriously; who the #$%& cares anymore? We don't need pots, we have microwaves for stuff like that now.)

And complain about my flashbacks all you want, but they make a hell of a lot more sense than any of yours. Oh yeah, I can totally buy the whole thing about you just happening to drive past our big barbecue reunion special thing, and then that creepy underage kid that Lucky Clover has shows up and kills everybody (with some help from a monster who nobody remembered after that!) Ace bit of plotting there, writers.

Also, I could kick your butt any day. Just to let you know.

So chew on that, Tak-kun. You make a good human shield now, but one of these days, I'm going to kill you in your sleep and Mari will be mine.

P.S. You suck!

P.P.S. ...by the way, could you come by and give a pal a hand ? I locked myself in the van again...

***

Point/Counterpoint: The Better Hopper

Warning: Spoilers Probable. Nonsense, Definitely.

You really are the best, Aibô

Yaguruma Sô
Tormented Soul with a Heart of Gold

I envy you. And no, I'm not talking about you- sitting there, safe and sound behind your monitor, drinking your soda and eating your Cheetos, simultaneously flipping between reading this and browsing Wikipedia for an explanation about that whack-ass "Three-Gen" system and playing the end of the last Den-O episode over and over so you can hear "Double Action Rod Form" again (since the single hasn't been leaked yet.) Believe it or not, for once, I don't envy you. Well I do, but not as much as I envy someone else right now.

That's right, I'm talking about you, Aibô. My partner in crime, the one and only Kageyama. You are the Jelly to my Peanut Butter, the Luigi to my Mario, the Chips to my Fish, the Chewbacca to my Han. I'd almost say you're even the Ichimonji to my Hongô, but I'm pretty sure they'd come beat the hell out of us if I did, so how about the Yuuki to my Kazami? That's close enough, right?

Oh, who am I kidding? Even if they came after us, we could take 'em. Because when we're together, nothing can stop us. Well, almost. I suppose a really, really big sword or gun (or swordgun, that is, a sword with a gun on it) or Renge's cooking could come close, but beyond that? We could take anybody.

Asakura? Please. Dude was all talk. "Lookit me, I'm crazeeee! Wooo!" Yeah, get in line, buddy. So what if you burned your house down or some junk. Oh yeah, and the purple? Not exactly the color of royalty you're trying to pass it off as. When even the pink guy is more of a man than you are, you know something's up. And what was up with that sword, anyway? "I'll horn you good!" Yeah, real threatening. But the best part, is that so-called Rider Kick of yours. Let's compare notes:

Me: Throws a lever, jumps up in the air, throws lever in reverse (with some really kickass sound effects, to boot) and then flying death is rained upon the enemy. Again, and again, and again. Yeah, I know I only did that like... well... once, but hey.

You: Run like a doofus with your arms up like that. What, are you supposed to be flying? And that scissors kick thing looks more like you want to get your enemy in a flying leg headlock, and brother, you don't want to know the ways I could go with that.

Also, what the heck was up with those episodes with the girl on the boat were you like, were good? Did the writers just up and forget that you killed your own brother a couple episodes befor-

Well, I'm getting off track again, aren't I? Forget Oujerrated, let's get back to you, Aibô. I remember the first time we met. That was back when I- or rather, Yaguruma Sô, who became me, because we're the same, just different- was the leader of SHADOW, hereafter known as the Loser Brigade. You were so young, so full of life, and so ambitious. Very ambitious, in fact, so much that you took up TheBee Zecter- which should rightfully be mine, no thanks to that idiot Kagami- and made it your own, at least until its attention deficiency set in again and it went to... wait for it... Tendô.

I like the way I say his name... Tendô. You can practically taste the malice, can't you?

Where was I again? Oh right, you. Or rather, us. We're losers, fallen from grace, the light, and all the other things that cute fluffy bunnies and little heart-shaped candies are made of. Fallen into Hell, from which we're now trying to clamber out of. This darkness, which consumes our hearts with every further minute that we breath, can only be-

Hey! Are you listening to me? Stop playing with that dog!

Right. The darkness, or rather I should say, THE DARKNESS!!1! which exists in the hearts of all men, and probably most women, but then I wouldn't really know seeing as how the writers never bothered to give me a romantic interest.

What? You've gotta be kidding me. Kageyama and I were friends, okay? F-R-I-E-N-D-S. Nothing more. So go impose your fantasies on, I dunno, Kagami and whatsisface rich kid or something. We're too uncool for that school. Because we're losers, remember? And all we have is each other.

Um, anyways, the light... our light, which we're trying once again to grasp. I dunno, I think it was in Siberia or something? Wait a minute, I'm going to have to finish this later, I just saw that White Cactus Worm lady again, man is she something. See? I did have a romantic interest after all! Take that and write a fanfic about it!

***

No, You're The Man Now, Dawg Aniki!

Kageyama Shun
Yaguruma's #1 Bestest Buddy in the Whole Wide World!!!

Aniki! You really are the greatest, did you know that? Just wanted to make sure, in case you forgot. Without you, my life would be nothing. I'd probably be working at Wal*Mart or- oh wait, do we have those in Japan? Well, I'd be working at Daei then, that's good enough.

Hey, you know what? You rock, Aniki! Just in case I didn't make it clear the first time. Anywho, remember that one time when Tendork was all like "Yous guys gotta helps us outs" and we were like "No way, jerkface" and he was all like "FINE! Wahwahwahangstbucket" and Kagami was like "Whuzuh?" and then you were like "Showed them who the bosses are" and I was like "You're awesome, Aniki!" and you were like "No, you're awesome, Aibô"!? Well, I just want you to know, there is nobody who is more awesome than you!

You always say that we're losers, and it's great to suck, and all that, but you know what? Nobody does it better than you, man. You are the best at being the worst, and nobody- I mean nobody- can compare. Rock on for great justice darkness!

And how about when we beat up that Cassisworm guy? Showed him up, right! Ol' Mr. Classyworm was all like "Ooga-booga!" and you were just all badass like "I am Batman!" or something and we totally pwned his blue butt! Yeah! Castroworm was no match for the power of the Hopper Bros. We could take anyone, I bet! Even a million billion Crossworms or whatever. We'd punch and kick all of them until they were just a bunch of splats on the road, and then, and this is my favorite part, we'd totally just walk away like the coolest guys in the world.

You know what, Aniki? I think we should start wearing sunglasses more often! Not only would we look even cooler and more badass, but they'd shield our eyes from the light. It would be like darkness 24/7! Doesn't get better than that, does it?

Oh yeah, have I mentioned that you're the best in a while? Well, you are! You and me, bro, we're the unbeatable team. No matter what happens, we'll always be best buddies. And we'll be together forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever. Even if one or both of us die, because we're so badass that death doesn't come to take us, we let it drive us to the big punchbowl in the sky because we want it to. That's how awesome we, and especially you, are. Never forget that, dude. You. Rock.

Welcome to Yaguruma. Population: Awesome.

***