Ask the Experts: The Advent of Saga

The debut of a new Rider is always the source for some discussion. Especially when said Rider has had a great deal of build-up to their premiere. Did they live up to the hype? Will they go down as one of the all-time greats, a truly groundbreaking character that redefines what it means to be a Kamen Rider? Will they be worthy of achieving the same kind of respect and admiration as a Rider 1, a V3, a BLACK, and Agito? (In other words, will they ever make it into a really great Playstation 2 game?) Will they, in short, be THE Rider of the series, even if they're not the lead?

Pfffft, what do I care? I'll probably just say Rider 2's cooler anyway. Which is why, in the interest of fairness, I once again asked some of the stars themselves to weigh in on the latest Rider of all... Kamen Rider Saga!

I won't speak of the Kamen Rider 2009 rumors until I get something more concrete.

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed below do not necessarily conform to the opinions of Igadevil. Numerous series Spoilers also run rampant, so reader beware.

***

Asakura Takeshi
Ex-Convict, Was all the rage in 2002

Wow, so like, this Saga guy, right? A vaguely snake-themed Rider with some purple on 'im who is the butt-kickingest baddest-assest mutha alive? Yeah, haven't seen that before. Also, I liked his belt better when it was called Ridol and didn't talk like Cyber Chip 'n Dale. Also: I'm getting nervous!!1!

Seriously, what is this #$%&? Man, remember the good old days?

Like back in 2002, when Ryuki was new. When the newest Rider of all was... me. That's right!

Like an unexpected punch to the face, I came outta nowhere right as everyone was finished wiping the spat drinks off their screens when it was revealed that Raia was 1) a dude and 2) Ultraman Agul. Oh and the rhino guy was introduced, but who liked him? I punked that loser fair and square... well okay, Kitaoka sort of helped out with that huge attack that like blows up the whole world that he has. Okay fine, so that wasn't really my doing at all, I just came in and stole the kill, like a l33t n00b in [INSERT FIRST PERSON SHOOTER OF CHOICE HERE]. Or somethin'. But come on, how awesome was that? After all that angsting on the part of Ren how he couldn't kill a dude, even if he was a horrible jerk who treats killing people like part of some big video game... in I come, and wipe the floor with that dork like it was going out of style. Oh yeah, baaaaaaay-be.

Okay, how about Imperer/Impaler/Impala/Inpalamadingdongwhatever? I showed that beeyotch who's the man, didn't I? Well okay, I guess Tiger stabbing him through the guts sort of sealed the deal anyway... okay so that doesn't really count either. Still, there's another one I totally owned beforehand. Remember when he like, had that piece of paper or something, and there was stuff? I dunno, the end of the series is kinda a blur to me. Like, remember how I burned to death in that exploding car, but was fine like 10 minutes later? Yeah.

Oh, I know! Raia. Took that pink bastard down like nobody's business, right? Well okay, I guess he was kind of handicapped since his... well, hand was busted up by that monster and all. Also, he sort of was doing a sacrifice since I was intending to kill Kido, so it really wasn't a planned kill per se. I mean, sure, I wanted to kill him, but not then and there, so it kinda doesn't count either, does it? I mean, it's like if Kazami accidentally killed the Destron Leader when he was talking, he wouldn't really be getting proper revenge, would he? Alright, alright...

Aha... Goro when he was Zolda in the last episode! Took down his— well, okay. I guess he did sort of have a death wish and all at that point, plus he essentially won since I thought I was killing Kitaoka, but it turned out to be his metro bodyguard/butler. So I got screwed, and then I went and got shot the hell up... don't worry, I got better. Still though... okay so we won't count that one either. Man, running low on options here...

Ooooooh, I got it. Scissors in the TV Special. I took him down fair and— what? It's not in continuity? That shouldn't matter! Verde's in that, you're telling me he's not in continuity either?

What? I don't know what happened to him in the series. Sure as hell wasn't the first to go though, seeing as how he like, had a billion dollars and was a friggin' tactical genius. He only died cuz Ren had like, pre-death final attack™ like that boss in Final Fantasy VI who casts Ultima before he dies. You know, the tower dude. So Verde was probably, I dunno, on an island in Tahiti the whole time and kept his monster fed on a steady diet of Strawberry Daiquiris and oyster crackers.

Okay fine... so I didn't really kill any Riders in a fair fight, you happy? Jeez. Killed enough Monsters though, didn't I? I sure did.

Oh wait, I got it. I killed my own brother and Femme's older sister in the movie. There!

...helpless innocents you say? Come on man, can't you give a guy a break? I mean, if they really wanted to, they coulda like, whacked me with their shoes to death or something. Right?

Whatever. Those were still the days, man. Back when I used to be somebody. I used to be the STRONGEST RIDER EVER *and* the most badass. I was the Hannibal Lecter of Riders. The Joker of Riders. The whatever-that-crazy-guy-from-"Battle Royale"-that-I-kinda-riffed-on-was-called of Riders. Then Kaixa comes along, and I'm yesterday's news, kiddo.

Well, until Dragon Knight starts, then I'll be—

What? I'm being replaced by some other guy? And now I'm called Strike?

Times like this, I wish I hadn't killed my agent...

***

NEXTy Kazami Shirô
Ex-IT company president/Wine aficionado

Not now. Can't you see I'm decanting wine? Please do no interrupt me during this sacred moment.

And this is no ordinery wine either. Château Pétrus from 1964. That's like, seriously old wine right there. Back in 64, before you were born. I had a slightly older bottle I was decanting but then Hongô showed up asking about my sister. Joke's on him: I don't have a sister!

Well okay, I do. I wish I didn't though.

Seriously, I was all like "Hey, let's make this one a love story too, except it'll be good because it'll be a love story between me and a hot new NEXTy Junko. And the surprise twist... it ends happily!" Everybody wins, right?

But they were like "Nah, this one's going to be a horror film. We haven't quite figured out where the horror will come from though. It has to be something scary. You know, like a monster that kills people. Maybe slices them up, stabs them, that sort of thing. We've got a PG-12 rating so we can have a lot of blood and really gory deaths, but we've got no monsters. I mean really, can you think of any good monsters we could use that would stab/cut people up? Perhaps they have bladed hands, or maybe even a chainsaw. But who could we possibly use? If only we could think of someone."

And they went on: "Also, as for motivation... we haven't figured that out, either. Maybe they kill people as part of some greater evil plan... but whose plan? Who could possibly be behind a series of gruesome killings, who would benefit? We don't have anyone in the movie would be capable of something so terrible. Why, you'd need characters so evil and sadistic, they'd want nothing short of world domination to carry out killings like that."

And finally, they decided: "Hey, I know. The killer is your sister, Kazami. And she's trying to get revenge on the label people, because she's a pop start now, right? Except she died but came back as a mutant due to these nano-thingies. The same ones that turn you into V3, except you don't get the ability to come back to life and create a killer ghost double of yourself, you just kick stuff and it explodes. Oh also, there's a bunch of other killings in the script, we'll make her do those too. Yes I know, those people actually had nothing to do with her getting killed. But really, who else could do them? If only there were some other villains in the movie... So she kills them because they're listening to the one song she recorded before she died. Well, killed herself, but she blames it on everybody else. We're gonna sell the song on CD too, it'll be a big hit! Oh also, she's all ugly and stuff, so we're spending most of the budget on that. So sorry about the non-functional V3 Hopper."

So in short: Miyauchi? Was one lucky bastard.

***

Shadow Moon
Century King/Former SONY spokesman

Wow, so this Saga guy, right? The main hero's childhood best friend who grows up to tragically be his ultimate enemy, and he's treated as near-royalty by his followers and destined to lead them to a new empire on Earth. Yeah, haven't seen that one before.

Just wait. He probably gets to kill Birugenia too.

***

Shindô
TriStar Productions President

Chiharu must live on. Even if she's dead. She must live. Dead or not, she must go on living. Because while she lives, she brings in the money. While she's dead, she doesn't. So it's simple as that. She must live. If she lives, the money comes in. If she doesn't, it doesn't. So therefore, Chiharu must live. If she doesn't live, we can't sell any more CDs with her face on them, because who wants to listen to a dead person? Dead people never stay famous, everyone knows that. So Chiharu must live. While she lives, our sales live as well. They die when she dies. They live while she lives. So if she dies, they can't live anymore because they die on account of the fact that she no longer lives. In other words, our sales live only while Chiharu lives, so as long as she isn't dead they live, because when she dies they die to and as a result of her non-living, our sales die, so she must live if we are to— OH GOD NO MY ARM! ARGH! GET THEM OUT OF HERE! SECURITY! SECURITY! HELP! OH GOD NO THEY'RE EVERYWHERE OH MOTHER OF ALL THAT'S HOLY THEY GOT MY ARM! NO! MY SPLEEN! THEY ARRRRRRRRRGHHHH! EVERYWHERE! HELP! HELP ME, THERE ARE MUPPETS IN MY COCKPITAAAAAAAARGGGGGGGGGGGGgjhadlkj dp03 0idsdskd skadad333333333333fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff

Note from Igadevil: Sadly, before he could finish giving his opinion on Kamen Rider Saga, Shindô-san was devoured by rabid Katô Kazuki fangirls upset over how his screen time detracted from his costar's.

***

Evil Shizuka
Will eat your soul!

OMG! XD

So like, WataruxMio = Worst Pairing Evar!!! Seriously, who writes that trash? WTF Everybody knows that WataruxNago = OTP! 4eva LOL :D

Wait wait wait. You thought I liked Wataru, didn't you? Maybe you did, but you were WRONG! Like, >:C wrong! Ringo-dingo-wrongo. NEway...

A lot of people are wondering what happened to me between the beginning of the series and when I was on that crazy evil binge a while ago. Well, I'll tell you. Wataru was so busy running around with all those other characters that I got neglected, left out in the cold, abandoned! It suxxed. Srlsy.

BUT, while wandering around trying to figure out what to do with myself, I met these guys. They'd been through the same sort of thing, but they came back, stronger and better than ever.

N u know how they did it? They became Riders! So obviously, I need to do the same thing. Yay! :D

Unfortunately, girl Riders are in relatively short supply these days. There's like... -1. So I'll just have to make one up. I call her...

Kamen Rider She!

Because, you know = She = Shi = Shizuka! Squeeeee! It's bwiiiiiiiilliant.

I don't know what sort of powers she'll have, but I'll figure those out in due time. First things first though, I have some WataruxNago crack fic to write...

L8R!

***

Mysterious New Rider
Full-Time Enigmatic Shadowy Figure

What do I think of m— er, Kamen Rider Saga, Hm?

Well, I'll tell you. Three words come to mind. Perfection. Awesome. And Perfection. Sums it all up, really.

I mean, has there ever been a cooler Rider in the history of forever? Didn't think so. That's how great I— I mean, he is! Yeah!

***

Choko
Rider Girl

OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM OM.



***

Kagami Riku
Head of ZECT

Ah yes. Vivaldi. Are you familiar with his works? No? Then perhaps Voltaire, or even Voltron. Very vivacious vowls, all of them. Not villains, but viciously victorious vain Vespa-vowing van-viewing vagabonds, they were.

They remind me of my son. And the rats. Both, but not at the same time. For you see, while my son, like his rat brothers, struggles to survive in a world gone mad, he had the child of Kusakawhateverhisface to help him. That guy. Without him, my son would surely have fallen, like so many rats before him. He would have fallen, but he didn't. When he tripped, when he stumbled, that old guy (you know the one, with the thing) was there to catch him. Like a rat catches cheese as it flees in the breeze, oh jeez.

Ah yes, my son. Gatack's chosen one. The God of War. The STRONGEST RIDER EVER, or so I was told. Arata, how proud of you I am. You and all those like you, rat or otherwise. Yes Araki, it is because of your bravery and dedication that the rats are free to come and go as they please. To steal and eat their cheese. To enjoy a cool summer breeze. To eat their porridge and peas. To list off all the words they know beginning with V's. To throw themselves from the cliff with ease. Just to stop the killing. For the rats, like men, have the best laid plans. They sure as hell beat out the mices'.

BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACH!

Yes Akira, without your bravery and highly-tuned fighting skills, were would we be today? It is by your hand and the greatest in the world powerful shooting skill of victory that peace had returned to the kingdom. And dance the night away we shall. Eggnog indeed.

Speaking of Arashi reminds me of something. It involves time, and the travelling thereof. Now, we all know that Hyper Kabuto went back in time to save himself numerous times, right? And we also know that in the movie, Hyper Kabuto went back to give himself the Henshin Belt, thus fulfilling his own existence even if he then disappeared at the end. Which raises the point that if he never existed in the first place, how could he have gone back to give the belt to himself? The answer lies in the times when he saved himself: clearly, it wasn't him. By this I mean the him from the same timeline. Rather, he had to have travelled back from a future in which he hadn't been able to save himself because otherwise, why would he have gone back? So what happened, my friends, is this:

The Hyper Kabuto from the present went ahead to meet his future self. Except he found a world without his future self. A world without Hyper Kabuto. A world without rats. A world without rules, rights, rhymes, rainbows, raspberries, rafts, rhinos, rings, running, roads and rotaries. So that Hyper Kabuto went back to the present for us, but the past for him, to a point prior to when he left in the first place. He assisted the past self that used to be him, but was no longer him since he had become the future Hyper Kabuto due to the fact that he was travelling back to help a past version of himself. But he couldn't be the same anymore, because there was no future version for him, so therefore he couldn't be the Hyper Kabuto from the future, because there never was a past! So he couldn't have gone back to save his own ass, even though it never was him! As a result, a paradox was created, in which the Hyper Kabuto from Timeline A saved that of Timelines B, 4 and Red. Meanwhile, the Timeline X Hyper Kabuto teamed up with the Timeline Green Hyper Kabuto to resucue the rats from Undoogmor, Dread-Pirate Lord of the 7th World. A cruel tyrant who sought to erase ratkind from the world with an army of Demon Chairs, he was stopped by the combined might of 750. 750 of what, nobody knows, for the tome all this is recorded in was lost to the fires of time. And we forgot all of this in the first place because it was wiped from history. As far as your or I know, this is an event which never took place even though we remember it, despite it having never happened in the first place.

The moral of the story: It was by your quick-thinking Ayako that the world was saved, Godspeed, my son. Godspeed to the greater tomorrow that lies beyond the rat-infested today. And a Merry Christmas to all!

***

Shin Kamen Rider
The True Masked Rider

Hey everybody!

So my movie's out on DVD at last, my fan base is now in the double digits, and I'm now looked upon with tolerance and respect, unlike Chiharu!

It's a good time to be alive!

***

Yaguruma Sô
MY LIFE IS AWESOME :D

Ha! You didn't seriously think we'd get through one of these without comments from me, did you? I am, after all, the de facto Guest Blogger. Igadevil even promised me I'll get a whole week of control next year, barring "accidents" and "only if you talk about Sigma at some point." Can do, captain!

Right, so what's the deal, you say. What happened to the moody 'ol Yaguruma of old, right? Well, I'll tell you what happened: Go-Onger happened. That's right. Not only am I THE BEST RIDER EVER, I'm now also THE BEST RANGER EVER! That's right. Next year: Ultraman, here I come!

You see, things were looking pretty bad at the end of Kabuto. Kageyama died (he got better) and the writers basically forgot I existed in the last episode. That fop Daisuke got a shout-out, but me? Nothin'.

What I did get though, was a hot sister and a talking helicopter friend! How sweet is that? Not to mention a shiny new costume and kickass... uh, whatever I have powers. Yeah! Plus I'm part of the best team ever! Well okay, the others are all kinda dumb, but hot sister! Plus Yellow whatsherface, I am all over that!

Since then, it's just been a wave of success with no signs of slowing down. Well, I guess it will once the show ends, but I'll figure out something to do with my merchandise sales. Oh yes. I bet you heard that I got a FiguArts figure recently? As did Aibô, and I gotta say, we look great! But then, we would. Cuz we're us.

So there you go. Loser no more, baby. Now I'm a winner. No more envy from this cool cat. Well, at least not until the next time I find myself sitting around in the gutter wondering where the hell the Hopper Zecters came from.

LIGHTNESS!!!

***

Ask the Experts: The End of Den-O

It's that time of the year again. The time when we bid farewell to the current series and gear up for the next one. Kamen Rider Den-O will come to a close this Sunday after 49 episodes, and if you ask me, it's certainly been a wild ride. Except you're not asking me, you're asking the stars themselves, and I passed along those questions of "How do you think the series will end?" onto them.

Unfortunately, none of them wrote back, so I had to get whoever else was around. Well, Deneb did eventually cave in and send his thoughts along, right before filming the final episode no less!

As with last year's entry, the answers are insightful and telling of just what we might see this Sunday as another chapter in the Kamen Rider saga comes to a close...

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed below do not necessarily conform to the opinions of Igadevil.

***

Asakura Takeshi
Ex-Convict, Melancholy Aging Anti-Hero

LOL first post!!!!!! I am just that much teh awesome! Or something.

God, I feel old some times. You guys remember how back in 2002, I was THE man? No, really; I was a king of kings, a god among men, the big Kahuna, Cheese and Shot all rolled into one. I was on top of the world! Nobody could touch me. And I got nearly all the same toys as the main three. Speaking of them, why did they make Zolda one of the main three anyway? He was a bastard through and through! We'll just forget the fact that he has character development in the goofy episodes, because who liked those anyway? Totally did not fit in with the rest of the show, with all the epic drama! Well apart from like, every scene with Shinji, and the one where Gai takes over ORE Journal, and Yui's Aunt, and the weird girl who wanted to make out with her computer, and Imperer, and if you're really messed up in the head, you found Tiger extremely funny... okay I guess the show wasn't that serious after all, but man, we had killing! Death! Riders lived, Riders died, and nothing was ever the same again.

...yeah, I know, I know. Nothing that hadn't been done before. Except we did it with cards. Cards! Considering the fact that we were jamming cards into our sword handles and still managed to look badass while doing it, that tells you something, don't it? We were actors, baby! Entertainers! Yeah... anyway, I'm totally not looking forward to seeing what they do to me in that Dragon Thing show. I'll probably be like, all metro or something...

What, Den-O? Hell if I know. But I bet I could take him. I can take anybody. I'm the greatest Rider ever!!!

...well at least I used to be. I know, I know, times change. I'm falling behind. In 2003 it was Kaixa-this, Kaixa-that. Then it was Chalice. Then... well, we'll skip 2005. Then it was Yaguruma, although I think EVERYBODY in Kabuto was the "greatest Rider ever" at some point. And now it's all about the Zeronos. Or at least it was, maybe it changed. I don't know, I don't follow these things any more.

...Yeah. Sorry, these things always make me miss 2002. The year when everything changes. Well, the year in the century when everything changes to paraphrase Captain Jack.

Anyway: I'm getting nervous!!!11!one

***

Kurenai Wataru
Kamen Rider Kiva

Hey kids! Watch my show!

It starts next week on TV-Asahi!

It's got vampires!

And I'm in it!

***

Yaguruma Sô
Tormented Soul, IKRB Regular

Ha! Did you actually think you'd get through another one of these without hearing from the King of the Losers™ himself? No such luck, compadre.

In spite of all that, I envy you. Yes, you. That's right. Not him, not that other guy, not that fangirl with the sceenname yaguchan124573, but you. You see, all the people reading this blog think I'm talking to them. But I'm really just talking to you! Because you laughed. Laughed. At me. Laughed. At. Me. That is, at me. You laughed. L-A-U-G-H-E-D. Laughed at me, you did. But the thing is, I know something that you want to know, but until I tell you only I know, and you don't know, you know? I know. Who's laughing now?

When I fell into Hell, I saw things you'd never believe. I saw the world for what it really is, a big pile of filth and corruption and— no, not that kind of filth you numbskull! You know what I mean. Anyway, it seems Toei didn't take me up on my offer to be a supporting Rider in Den-O. Well, their loss. What would they want a loser like me for, anyway? Wait, that doesn't— aw, never mind.

So how does it all end, you ask? Well, I'll tell you what, I know the answer. I know this because, like the Den-Liner, I can travel through time (and space, don't forget space) because I live in the shadows. The DARKNESS. If you live there, you can go anywhere you want. Actually, you don't even have to live there! Seriously, try it out. Get up, turn off all the lights in the room, and then sit back down in front of your computer. Minimize that window you keep refreshing waiting for a new fan sub of Live Honey Cute or whatever it is to appear, and pay attention.

Done? Good. Now. We're travelling through time. Just you and me. Because in the darkness, we can't see the light, and the light shows us what's really there. But the darkness doesn't show us anything. So we can't see. Makes sense, right?

Whoa! Holy crap, here we are, back in 1979. Skylab is going to crash or something, Disco is dead and the Muppet Movie is coming out soon! God, I love those Muppets. What? Er uh, I mean, I love DARKNESS! There we go.

Whoops! We just went forward again. To 2006, where Den-O always seems to go. Apparently that was a really sucky time to be in Japan or something. Pretty funny huh? Hahahaha— oh wait... right.

Okay, anyway... ZOOOOOM! Here we are, Sunday morning in 2008. Holy bananas, there it is! The end of Den-O! That was cool, wasn't it? Yeah, I thought so. Almost as cool as that time that Kageyama and I totally kicked Tendork's butt.

Speaking of which, I don't know about you, but I'm already positive that Den-O's ending will be a million billion times better than the stupid Kabuto one that I wasn't even in (Spoiler Warning by the way,) you know the one where Tenjerkface destroyed the meteorite which levelled Shibuya (and entire section of Tokyo) with flower power. FLOWER @#$%ING POWER! With Darkness, yes. Flower Power? No.

So yeah. Rock on, Whateveryournameis-taro. You're way better than Tendumbass any day!

***

Tendô Sôji
Professional Man Who Walks the Path of Heaven, Ruling Over All

Grandmother said this: "Your momma, Yaguruma. Your. Momma."

Anyway. Another year. Another battle. And just like me, a couple episodes prior the Owner said something along the lines of "the real battle begins now". Because it did, and it has, and now it comes to an end. But more importantly, we learned that the Owner heeded my words. And because of that, he is a treasure of the world. As is Kamen Rider Den-O.

Grandmother said this: "The past should give us hope." Well okay, the watch said that, but I retroactively am adding that it was Grandmother who gave whatsisbucket the watch in the first place. I mean, where else did it come from? And no, don't even start with the Doctor Who references.

...

Grandmother also said: "My show's ending wasn't that bad, was it?"

***

Kamen Rider Sabaki
Ill-fated Ongeki Warrior

Oh God! They're everywhere! I can't hold them off any more! Giant crabs, giant spiders, cat people, turtle-men, people in funny hats, everything! And a dog that walks like a man and is on fire! Somebody, help! Call for back up! My apprentice was devoured by a giant slow-moving CGI slug thing that's half mushroom, that's the sixth time this has happened! Oh the humanity! The central office isn't going to like this...

Agh! My mini guitar knife weapons are useless! What's my role again? Am I a drum-type or a wind-type or a string-type? I don't know! I wasn't paying attention when my mentor talked about that stuff. Oh God! They're invading the village... granted it's just some podunk in the middle of nowhere, but oh God! All those hikers... all those nice old people... all those farmers who see a giant two-headed rat and think it would be a good idea to stand there and say "You're funny-lookin'". Oh! Oh it's terrible! Hibiki-san! Ibuki-san! Somebody! I need help here! There's an infestation of evil! I don't know what we did, but the Makamou are out of control! It's like a warzone out here! No, it IS a warzone! It's madness! Oh God! They're coming out of the trees! The bushes! Everywhere! Nowhere is safe, run for your lives!

Oh wait, look, there's that armor that looks like Henshin Ninja Arashi. Now we'll... ARGH! My arm! That bastard cut my arm off! Shuki? What the hell Shuki? Just because you look uglier than all the guy Oni doesn't give you the right to... oh no! Orochi! They've brought Orochi back and now the world is doomed! DOOMED!

DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMED!

...Unless this is the movie continuity, then everything's okay.

***

Jiro
Guitar-playing android vigilante of justice

Wait, why am I here again?

...Oh. Well I guess that makes sense. I suppose I can see how you'd get Den-O out of Denji-Endo, but I still don't see why— Well, okay, fine.

I suppose it'll end with a big battle where Den-O saves the world because really, isn't that how all these things turn out? Worked back in '73, gonna work again in '08. Maybe someone will go to Switzerland at the end too!

***

Hibiki
Ongeki Warrior

Oi Shônen! I have to be honest with you, I literally have no idea how Kamen Rider Den-O is going to end, but I bet it'll be good! It always is, isn't it?

...Well okay, I guess it's usually good. I have a good feeling about Den-O though. I mean, that Momotaros guy? He's got class. We could use more people like him around Takeshi. Especially ever since Inoue decided to make Ibuki turn emo at the last minute when we needed him most, and I had to play the trumpet. And let me tell you guys, fighting monsters with a guitar is one thing, but a trumpet is another matter all together.

Anyway... Kiriya! Kiriya, Kiriya, Kiriya. You've come a long way, Shônen. When I knew you, you were brash, impulsive, scheming, and always trying to prove yourself. Now you're... well, all of those things, but at least you've got your buddy Deneb to reel you in now and then. And that's what friends are for. Well, that, and having great character-building moments like in my show!

So yeah, Den-O ending. It's going to be good, you can trust me on that. And when have I ever been wrong? Well, apart from Asumu... sorry, Asumu, M.D. But hey, you can't win them all, can you? Well, you can when you're well-trained! And if I'm anything, it's—

Oh, sorry. Sabaki just called, he's getting slaughtered again. Don't worry, he'll live. Enjoy the end of Den-O! I know I will!

***

Deneb
Yuuto's #1 Pal

I just hope I don't die.

And I hope Yuuto doesn't die either.

Actually, I hope nobody dies!

Hopefully the candy I gave the writers will pay off!

***

Ask the Experts: Holding out for a Ryôtarô

Some love him, some pity him, and I don't think any sane person wants to actually be him, but if there's one thing that Nogami Ryôtarô/Kamen Rider Den-O has, it's a strong opinion. And now he's here to answer your Kamen Rider questions, in a very special edition of Ask The Experts.

***

Dear Ryôtarô,

Those drinks your sister always makes look good! Can you give me the recipes?

-airiozaki4eva


Nogami Ryôtarô
Greatest in the world unfortunate cameraman guy

Uh... hello. Well, um, er, you see... OH GOD PLEASE DON'T HIT ME! NOOOOOOOOOOOO! AH! AH!

Ah... haha. Sorry. I thought you were one of those gang members. Well, let's see. My big sister's drink mixes are a special family secret, I'm afraid. I asked her one time, you see. I wanted to make a Grass-Flavored Frappuccino for myself after a hard day of getting thrown through the windshield of a bus and getting my bike repaired after some kindly old man back up over it by accident and getting held hostage by a crazy guy with a knife and getting trampled by a football team and getting electrocuted while changing a lightbulb at the Milk Dipper and getting shot in the head by one of Ozaki's vengeful ex-girlfriends and getting kicked in the groin by schoolgirls who thought I was a creepy stalker when I was just trying to return the cellphone strap they dropped, and she pulled me aside and said something that to this day I'll never forget.

She said "Ryô-chan, the recipes for my drinks are a secret Nogami family recipes passed down from generation to generation. They have been finetuned over the years until now, when they are in their utmost perfect form. However, with the flowing of time has come the loss of the original recipes themselves, so I've had to substitute a few things here and there. And that is why what was once a Tropical Passion Fruit Smoothie is now a Poppy Seed & Strained Pea Water Daiquiri, and what used to be a Malt Chocolate Protein Shake has become what I like to call Airi's Pond Scum Specialty. Miura was brave enough to try it the other day. Speaking of which, I wonder how he's doing over at the hospital? Well, in any case, the point is that even if I wanted to tell you the recipes, I couldn't, because I just don't remember them anymore. Like that telescope over there. You know, that one. Yeah. It is a memory lost to the ages, swept over by the sands of time. But sometimes, if I try to remember them, they will appear before me, and otherwise they just sleep somewhere in my mind LOLZ DOCTOR WHO REFERENCE FTW!!!1!"

So you see, nobody but my sister really knows the answers for sure. Sorry. No really, I'm sorry. Really sorry. REALLY! OH GOD PLEASE DON'T HIT ME! AH! AH! OH GOD NOOOOOOO!

***

Dear Ryôtarô,

Which should I watch first: Kamen Rider Faiz, Kamen Rider Blade, or Kamen Rider Kabuto?

-ryuki2002


MomoRyôtarô
Always starts on a climax

Ore Sanjou! Oi oi oi! Who do you think you are, the stinky flower woman? I don't answer to nobody but myself. So you can take your questions and stuff 'em. I'll tell you what I think is important. Get it? Got it? Good. Now sit back and listen up. This is important, and there will be a quiz at the end. And if you get anything wrong, I'll give you a taste of my hissatsu waza. Ohhhhhhhh, yeah!

I dunno about you guys, but I'm gettin' tired of all these newbies coming in and cramping my style, ya know? Take that turtle bastard for instance. He thinks he's soooo special just because he can dress like a dork and score with the ladies. But you know what? Screw that noise! I could kick his butt with one hand, one leg, and one eye tied behind my back! Because when it comes to fightin', nobody— and I mean nobody— tops the big red one. I mean, I'm a literal demon! I could probably take on the entire world all at once and win. I'm just that badass! Haha! I love fighting! I could eat fighting, sleep fighting, breath fighting, and cr— well, you get the idea. But fightin' is good. Just you wait, later in the series, I'll be fighting like, every Rider monster ever. Well, assuming the budget doesn't run out. But hey, stock footage costs like... um... not much! So yeah. Every monster ever!

And how about that big dumb bear? Stubborn as a... well, a bear, I guess. I'll tell you what though, it isn't that he's tough, it's that he's too stupid to move when I punch him in the face!How dumb can you get? He doesn't even know when I'm kicking his own—

What? Aw, crap. Well, Ryôtarô wants me to answer the stupid question, and Hana's threatening to beat the @#$% out of me, so we might as well get on with it, huh? I mean, it's not like I *want* to answer it, but seeing as how I'm in his body and Hana is like right there and ready to flip out like she always does (just between us, she seriously needs to take some anger management classes. Or loosen up and do the horizontal tango with Urataros) and... okay, where were we? Um...

Right. Blade vs. Faiz vs. Kabuto. I say, screw em all, I could take every one of—

Okay okay! Jeez. I guess when it all comes down to it, you have to look at what they use in battle. Blade has like, playing cards or somethin', while Faiz shoots people with a cell phone. And Kabuto has these like, bug things that come outta a tear in the fabric of the universe or some @#$%, and this neat gun/axe/knife thing. Oh, and he can travel in time, so I guess that makes him the toughest. Aside from me, because I'll just time travel back before he can time travel and kick his ass first! Woo-hoo. Yeah! It's a climax as soon as I get started!

...What? Doesn't answer the question? Forget that, just watch all three of them ya lazy dorks. Now excuse me, I gotta go find something to fight. I love fighting! Fighting is good. Can't argue with that logic! Mmm mmm, fighting!

***

Dear Ryôtarô,

Who's hotter: Misaki, Hiyori, or Renge?

-gattackattack


UraRyôtarô
Too sexy for his shirt

Awwwwwwwwwww, yeah, girl. You're so fine! You and me are gonna—
*Ahem* Sorry. I tend to get a little carried away sometimes. It's Ryôtarô's body, you see. He is just such a blank slate! Seriously, you walk a mile in this guy's shoes, and you can be anything you want to be. And right now, I want to be your sugar daddy, baby. Bow-chika-wow-wow. Uh-huh. Yeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

Whoa! uh, sorry about that, I thought you were Hana. Where was I? Oh yes. Well, let's see. There's no easy answer to this question. It's sort of like deciding between a nice long fishing pole with that extra length, as opposed to the shorter one with superior width. On the one hand, the long one gives you that extra reach, and you can push it further, you know what I mean? But the wider one has more stability, and thus more force to it. It's not going to snap like a twig in a gentle fall breeze. Speaking of which, has anyone ever mentioned how lovely your hair looks in a gentle fall breeze? It's so fleeting, like the morning dew, and— er, sorry. But you have to admit, it is pretty luscious. Just like your— well, the less said the better, I suppose.

Anyway, I think we need to look at the facts here. Hiyori is pretty cute, but she's also... well, in the interest of avoiding spoilers, let's just say she's got a very overprotective guardian. And by guardian I mean older brother. And by older brother I mean... you know, I could be your older brother if you want. Just say my name, and I'll be there for you, just like that song says—

Gah! Sorry about that. Really. I'll stick to the question, promise. Renge was something to write home about, but let's face it: she's also totally bassackwards insane, and a terrible cook. And really, where's the love if the food isn't good? If you've ever seen Tampopo, you know that food is a highly er—

Oh, sorry, I guess I can't go into detail. This is a family-oriented blog anyway. But Renge, yeah. That whole thing with her being in the military and stuff? Total turn-off. I like my women like I like my fish- lean, trim, and not ugly. So yeah, I guess I'll have to go with Misaki. Because, let me tell you guys, she was all over Tsurugi even though he was like, totally younger than her. And the older woman/younger guy thing? Totally HAWT, IMHO. And that's no lie. I may lie a lot, like that one time I lied about Ryôtarô's age to get him/me/us into that club, but when I'm talking about 1) girls and 2) fishing, it's just the facts, bayyyyyyyyyyyyyby. Oh yeah. Cold as ice.

***

Dear Ryôtarô,

What is the name of Skyrider's show? Igadevil.com calls it "New Kamen Rider", but some people say it's "Kamen Rider (Skyrider)" or just "Kamen Rider" or just "Skyrider" or just "That really friggin' awesome show where the hero has a Rider Spinal-Damage attack"

-oldskoolrider12783


KinRyôtarô
You cried cuz of his strength!

Cry? Did someone say cry? Honnara, don't cry! Kintaros is here, and he'll fix everything. Oh wait, I'm Kintaros, aren't I? I mean, I'll fix everything. NAKERUDE! I'm from Kansai!

So, Skyrider you say, chau? Never heard of him, but he sounds like a worthy opponent. I'm from Kansai! It's so hard to find good ones these days. I haven't had a really good fight since... well, I guess the one I had with that Ivy guy was good, but if we're talking about a MECCHA good fight, wait until the next episode of my show. I mean, it's going to have all those Imagin coming back and—

Well, yeah, okay. Technically, it's Ryôtarô's show, but hey, right now, I am Ryôtarô! I'm from Kansai! How cool is that, naa? Lookit me, I'm a pretty boy now, for cryin' out loud!

Wait, did someone say cry? Don't cry! Here, wipe your tears with this. There we are. I'm from Kansai! Now, back to Slyride door or whatever it was called. I don't know much about things that don't involve hitting stuff, but I do know that the one they call "igadevil" is generally right about like, a ton of things, so I'd listen to him. I think he said somewhere that "New Kamen Rider is the generally-accepted named used by fans as well as by guidebooks to set it apart from the original series" or somethin', and if you disagree with that logic, you're probably an ahou. What would I know though? I'd know this: How to fix your problems, whatever they may be. I'm good at fixing things. There's nothing I can't fix! I'm from Kansai!

...well okay, I can't do long division, but really, who can? It's totally akan. Hey, did I mention I'm from Kansai yet?

***

Dear Ryôtarô,

Who would win in a Matrix-style gun fight: Zolda, Delta, Garren, Ibuki, or Drake? Or would Roborider just come in an own them all?

-Kunaigun4


RyuuRyôtarô
LAWLZ B1G GUN!!1

HAHAHA WOOOOOO~! LOOKIT ME, I GOTA DANCE! GOTA DANCE, GOTA DANCE, WOHOOOO! II JUMP II JUMP SUGEI JUMP!

HEI, HEI GAIZ! IS IT OK IF I DANCE IN TEH PARK1/? HAHA LOLZERS! WHOOOO! YAH YEAH BABAY WOHOOOOO! DANCEY DANCEY DANCEY! HAHAHA HEI LOOK A SANWICH! HAHA LOALZ!!!11!!one II JUMP II JUMP SUGEI JUMP! JUMP! JUMP!

LOL OKAY, ENOUGH JOKES. LIKE, GARREN PWNS BECUZ HE IS JAWESOME!!!!1!!1!010101010101!!!! II JUMP! YOU KNOW, HAHAHA! LOWLZERS! AND NOW U R PROB LIK WUT ORLY?!?!? NO WAI!!! AN IM LIKE YES WAI!!!!1!! HAHA LOLZ. HEI HEI U NO HU IS TEH JAWESOME!?!?!/!??!?!?1//? AMINIMALZ!!!! HAHAHA LOL YAH RLY!!!1!!

I LUV AMNINMANSL!!! HAHAHA! THEY R SO KUUT N FUZZY N STUFF!! I WANT TO B FRIENDS W/ U IF U LIKE AMNIMANSL RAISE UR HAND AN B LIKE WOOOOOO! ANMINANLMALS R SO COOOOOL!!!!1!1!!! HAHAHA LOLWLZEORS! III JUMP!

HEI HEI WANT TO HERE A GUD JOKES!? YAH RLY, LIKE WUT HAPPENS WHEN U R ON ROLLERSKATES AND U LOLZ!? GESS WUT? YOU HAVE LOLLERSKATES!!!111! HAHAHAHAHAH!!! WOOOOOOOO! I LUV ME THE AMNINMANLS!!! HAHAHAHA!!!!!111!one11!!!!1!!!1!!exclamationmark

ROWTAROZ BODEE IS SO FUN111!!! HAHA I CUD LIKE B IN IT ALL DEI!!! HAHA LOWLZEROS! LAWLZ! WOOOO! II JUMP II JUMP SUGEI JUMP! JUMP! HAHAHAHA! LAWLZ!!! B1G GUN GO BANG BANG!!!1!1 LOWLZEORS!!!

***

Ask the Experts: Memories of a Year

Chances are, you're ready to move on already. 2006 is over. It's time for a new series, and the new series has cometh. Some may even be trying to decide what Kabuto toys they can part with to get the cash for that Den-O Henshin Belt and changing their screen names from "KabutoKickHopper" and "TheSaBeeSwordMaster" to "DenOforever2" and "Riders_on_a_train" or some such. And I don't blame you, because I too am ready to start gushing about Kamen Rider Den-O episode #1.

But first, it's time for another round of Q & A with the stars themselves. The people: The cast of Kamen Rider Kabuto, or at least all those willing to go along with this. The question: Choose one particular moment that defined the series for you. The answers: Not half as good as the last time I did this.


***


Tendô Sôji
Professional Man Who Walks the Path of Heaven, Ruling Over All

So. It has finally come to an end. Another year, another battle. Just as I said it would. Remember? I said "The real battle only now begins". And just as soon as it began, it ended. Everything else? That was all the warm-up.

Grandmother said this: "There is no warmer place in this world, than in the depths of one's heart."

So many interesting people. So many enemies. So much danger. So much pain. And yet, through it all, I continued to stand unabashed and unfazed by all. Well okay, I guess that whole "Tendô-I-hate-you-and-want-to-go-live-on-Photoshopped-planet-with-your-stupid-evil-twin" thing Hiyori did kind of fazed me. But only slightly. For I am the man who walks the path of Heaven, and rules over all. And, if I may say so, and I may: I'm one helluva good cook.

Grandmother said this: "The most important ingredient in every dish is the chef's unconditional love."

Preach it, Grannie. You will not find truer words anywhere in this world. Well, okay, with one exception. And that being these:

Grandmother said this: "Remember that time Kagami became TheBee for like one episode, and I totally punked him in the end?"


***


Kagami Arata
ZECT Employee, Self-described Lord of the Steak

TENDÔ! That was the worst answer I've ever read on this entire blog, you should put more faith in the intelligence of the reading audience.

Anyway folks, it's me, Kagami. Also known as Kamen Rider Gatack, the God of Battle and STRONGEST RIDER EVER. Yep! That's me all right. I fight for truth, justice, and the Amer- er, um...uh....truth and justice. Well, there is more to it, but I can't really think of a good word to describe it, so I'll just roll it into one and call it truthustice. There you go.

Hey! What'd you think of the show? Pretty cool, huh? Especially whenever I was in it. It never fails to surprise me how many people latched on to me from the get-go. I mean, there I was, the butt of every joke of the writers, yet I was a hero to the masses. I guess it just goes to show you how everyone always loves the underdog, right? Like that time I became TheBee- people loved it! I wish I could say the same, but let me tell you guys, it wasn't as cool as you think. TheBee is pretty demanding, and if you can't provide the goods, it'll just as soon move onto somebody else. I mean, I even bought it season tickets to the Giants, took it to high-class restaurants, and lit its cigars with 10,000 Yen notes. But in the end, it still dumped me. And that was after I got the stupid tatoo, which I'm now stuck with for life. Yeah, I know you never saw it again on the show, but it's there, trust me. You don't-

What?

Oh, I'm sorry. I've just been informed by the writers that I'm not supposed to talk about the tatoo thing.

Huh?

Don't talk about becoming TheBee either!?



***


Kusakabe Hiyori
Upcoming Chef, Amateur Artist, Full-time Brooder

Get away from me, you creepy little man.







***


Kamishiro Tsurugi
Heir to Discabile fortune, self-described Wormslayer

Greetings, commoners! I am the man who stands at the top of all blogging, Kamishiro Tsurugi! Well, yes, this isn't my blog per se, but come on- I doubt Eee-GAA-deville would mind if I took some credit. After all, without me, you might not be hear reading this! And without you, I might not be hear writing this! Am I right, or right am I? I am the man who stands at the top of being right, so of course I'm right. Right? Right.

Anyways, if I had to pick one moment in the series that defined particularness, it would no doubt be when my dear friend Ka-GAA-mi was able to fulfill his dream of becoming a Rider, and became Ga...ga...ga...oh, what was it again? Gataka? Gatact? Gackt? Gakatakacaka?

What? Oh, Gatack! As yes, Gatuck. Thank you, omniscient silent commentator. It would seem I am also the man who stands at the top of forgetting my friend Ka-GAA-mi's Rider name. Yes, Gattlac. Well, when he first turned into Gadillac, who wasn't thrilled that the story's fan favorite character (after myself, of course) finally got a chance to become a Rider-

What? He turned into TheBee once? For like, one or two episodes? And it also resulted in the long departure of one of the best characters in the show?

...I did not know that.



***


Mishima Masato
Disgruntled ZECT Employee, Former Bodyguard/Jack-of-all-trades

God, I hated that bastard Kagami. Not the kid, I mean his old man. Well, I hate the kid too. But lemme tell you guys, if you though junior was annoying, with all his screeching about turning into TheBee that one time (get in line, buddy) it's his daddy that really grates on me. Why, right now, I bet he's going on somewhere about rats and some such @#$%.

What really ticked me off though, wasn't all that Native @#$-kissing he did. It was all that talking in riddles! Seriously, what the hell was up with that? I remember this one time, we were just standing around waiting to hear the latest report from the battle at Area Z, and just out of the blue he's like "What are your thoughts on the works of George Gordon Byron?"

Now, given that I A) have no clue who that even is and B) couldn't possibly give a @#$%, I'm like "I don't know, I've never read any of them." And do you know what his response is?

"The movies, my friend, the movies!" And the next thing I know he's on his side, running around in a circle on the floor going "Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo!" And this goes on for TWENTY. FREAKING. MINUTES. Seriously. It's a miracle ZECT even got to be where it was with that nutcase in charge. I'm amazed that the Zectrooper uniforms weren't designed with big pink targets painted on them, because I honestly believe that this man would have gone along with it if someone recommended it to him. And how about recruiting that Renge girl as a double agent- yeah, real smooth, Special K. We may as well have tasked a pylon with killing Tendô; I'm pretty sure it would have done a better job.

To top it all off, I later Wiki'd that Byron guy and you know what? He never even made any movies! Seriously, @#$% you, Riku. And while I'm at it, @#$% you too, Wikipedia. Spidern-Man, indeed.



***


Kagami Riku
Head of ZECT

The rats. Their cries of pain. Their shouts of joy. Their tiny little rodent hands holding tiny little rodent-sized baseball bats. This is the game of life, my friends. And what a dangerous game it is.

When the cats are away, the rats will play. But when the playing field becomes too crowded, they will jump off the iceberg, just to stop the killing. This is what happened to the Titanic; this is how former president William Howard Taft lost the election of 1976; this is how everything that began must end after it has begun, for it is just now ending. The beginning of the end, yes? SHOOOOOOOOOBA!

My son. He is good at baseball. Like the rats, he has a keen eye and a bag of grain with which he shares unto no one. Not even his brother, Whatsisface, could keep up with him. He was the finest hockey player I know, and not a soul would tell you otherwise. He could sink the ball into the basket like a true professional, and I? I have sealed his fate by selecting him to be Gatack's chosen one. I tried, oh how I tried to change fate. I even bribed TheBee Zecter with candy, but it was all for not. For like the rats, the cats, the bats, the mats and even the hats (but not the spats nor the vats) he did all he could with everything that he had, and in the end, it amounted to nothing at all. Oh, my son. My poor, deluded son. Forgive me, and forever after I shall call you "Fooj." It's short for "Fuji". Clever, is it not?

BETHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVEN!



***


Hibiki
Ongeki Warrior

Oi Shônen! I know, I know, I wasn't in Kamen Rider Kabuto at all. I was in the show from the year before, Kamen Rider Hibiki. But hear me out:

I'd just like to extend my congratulations to Kabuto and his friends for making it through and entire year. It isn't easy, believe me. There were several times when I was ready to throw it in, but thanks to my friends, I pulled through. Friends like Ibuki, and Todoroki, and Zanki. Danki. Eiki. Maybe even Sabaki. But not just my fellow Oni. Other friends too. Shônen. Other Shônen. Girl who was always with Ibuki. Oyassan. Oyassan's daughters, I can't recall their names offhand, but it's okay, we use codenames in Takeshi. So I just call them Girl #1 and You, respectively.

Hey, if you want, I'll come up with cool codenames for you too, Kabuto. I like the sound of "Kabutoki" myself, but let me know what you think. Just give me a call whenever you need me, I'll be around. Things have been pretty slow since the CG division started spending all their time on that big train for Den-O, I've just been fighting the same giant crab over and over for the past few months. It's a tough shell to crack. Ha! Did you get it? Tough shell? Yeah, I knew you'd get it.

Well okay, I better run now. Sabaki apparently got stuck in a tree and he locked his keys in the car. Sing me off, Kogure-san!

Kimi no HIBIKIIIIIIIIIIIIII!



***


Nogi Reiji
Worm Ringleader

FOOLISH ZECT MEMBERS!

...I still cry myself to sleep thinking about what happened in episode #46.






***



Tadokoro Shuichi
ZECT Employee, Grumpy Old Guy-in-training

Oh God, they're approaching from all sides! Kagami! Tendô! Anybody, help! The Worms are overtaking Area Z! It's a battlefield! We're outnumbered, outgunned, and I hate to say it, but outsmarted as well. The Worms are coming in legion! Our morale is dropping faster than our numbers, and I've already heard half a dozen "Why is there always a Rider around to beat us up, but never to be around when we actually need one?" comments from the troops. Oh, the humanity! This is madness I tell you, madness!

What? TheBee Zecter? What good could that possibly do? I offered it to Yaguruma and Kageyama, and they shot me down!

...Kagami? But isn't he Gatack?

...What? Look, I don't care if you think it's funny to keep bringing it up, we've got a war going on here! This is no time to be making jokes about-

...gee, you know, that's a good point. What did happen to the tatoo?



***



Hyper Kabuto inexplicably appearing from the future
Time-traveller

LAWLZ B1G S 0WRD!







***


Yamato Testsuki
ZECT Employee

Yeah, I know. I wasn't in the show. Well, aside from a cameo as a totally different dude, but are you really going to count that? Yeah, I thought so.
Anyway, one particular moment, huh? I don't know, can we count the time Kagami became TheBee?

...Why? I was rooting for him. He seemed like a cool dude. He followed orders to the T, and-

WHAT? He betrayed ZECT, sided with Kabuto and beat Caucasus? Then allowed Kabuto go go back in time and alter history so none of what happened in the movie really happened and oh @#$% I'm ceasing to existing in the time strea-



***



Yaguruma Sô
Tormented Soul, Part-time Circle K Employee

I envy you. Sitting there, safe and sound behind the warm glow of your computer screen, simultaneously browsing Youtube for "Climax Jump" music videos and sipping on your can of soda.

But you know something? There's a person I envy even more than you. It's me. At least, the me who used to be me. The one who isn't me anymore, because now I'm me and not him. Him being the me who used to be me. Follow me?

See, this guy, we'll call him "Yaguruma Sô: Free Trial Edition" for short, he was a character. He was me, in case you weren't clear on that. And I'm him, or rather, I *was* him, until I saw Hell first-hand. You're probably curious as to what that was like. I'd tell you, but it's a long story, and I'm still trying to come to terms with it. Especially the part where I wound up on some beach, wearing pants that I'm pretty sure were not mine. But in any case, this guy- remember, he used to be me- people loved him. He showed up for just a couple episo- er, times, and he was designated the holder of TheBee Zecter. Ahh, TheBee Zecter. I remember it well. Of course, it's not as cool as the Hopper Zecter, and it's got an attention span equivalent to a little kid hooked up to an IV consisting of speed mixed with pure sugar cane, but back then, it was pretty sweet. I- I mean, he- even had his own elite squad of Zectroopers to command. It was a good time to be young and alive. No, I'm not sure what I mean by that either, but in any event, it eventually all came crashing down for the pettiest of reasons. But the people still loved him, and eagerly awaited his return after he vanished for parts unseen. And despite a brief, brief return in the movie- um, I mean, in an alternate universe I dreamed about one time- he never came back. Him being me, in case you've forgotten. Anyway, he eventually did come back, but as a changed man. That man being me. But you know something?

People loved him even more, because he came back as a butt-kicking badass. Yea-hah!

Right, sorry. I keep forgetting. I'm a loser now. Losers like me, we stay in the darkness. Because the light, the light we once trusted and embraced, it rejected us. And now, darkness is all we have left.

Well, darkness and ramen. Ramen will always be there for you.

Mmmm. I could sure go for a bowl right now. How about you, Aibô?



***


Kageyama Shun
Yaguruma's #1 Buddy

Hells yeah, Aniki!

DARKNESS!!1!







***






Kazama Daisuke
Professional Make-Up Artist

Hey, I'm not dead! I survived! Awesome!

Sucks to be you, GSL version of me!





***

Ask the Experts: Next Year's Kamen Rider

The pictures are out, and although they've only been production artwork, CG, or toys, everybody's been talking about the design of 2007's apparently train-themed Kamen Rider. Although I feel you can't make a really accurate judgment until seeing the actual suit in action in the actual show (as with anything), I would be kidding if I said I didn't have any sort of opinion formed yet, although it's not really much beyond "Since nothing really shocks me any more, it's different, and looks interesting".

Of course, the experts, highly-opinionted as they are, beg to differ. And a few of them have already made up their minds on whether 2007 is going to be the "Best Year For Kamen Rider Ever" or a redux of the Dark Times™, also known as "That first moment when we all realized Saban's Masked Rider probably wasn't going to be very good."

***

FIRSTy Hongô Takeshi
Jônan University Grad Student/Professional Brooder

Man, life sucks. As if things weren't bad enough with Asuka getting engaged to Katsuwhatsisface, there I was just minding my own business, cruising along on my bike, and then a bunch of guys in gasmasks ambush me, and their leader is Batman! Next thing I know, I'm getting thrown into walls, knocked unconcious, turned into a cyborg via highly painful surgery (without any anesthesia) and brainwashed into becoming a member of a secret evil organization that wants to take over the world. Or at least Japan. Well, maybe all they wanted to was to blow some stuff up, I'm still not really sure. What? Beautiful things, oh yeah! They wanted to make all the beautiful things in the world dirty. Yeah, there we go. And then it just all goes downhill from there. Sure, I get released from Shocker's control, but then they're all like "All traitors must die!" and stuff, and now I've got henchmen jumpin' out of trashcans and stuff everywhere I go. I can't even walk 10 feet without someone trying to kill me, like, three or four times, and that's just on a week day. So anyway, things just got worse when Ichimonji showed up. Like, imagine Katsusatsulangadang there, but even more of a ladies' man, plus he's *also* a Hopper, so he's like got Asuka wrapped around his finger and stuff. And HE'S tryin' to kill me too! Well, okay, he was, but then he got his butt kicked a couple times and now it's all cool between us. Well sorta, you see at the end of the movie- oh wait, I probably shouldn't go there right now.

Anyway, I guess I should consider myself pretty lucky. I mean, compared to some people at least. Like this guy I saw once, driving along, and- what? What do you mean "Does that indicate some kind of time paradox in which Kabuto is actually a prequel to all the later Kamen Riders, even if they came first?" I don't have a clue what you're talking about. Why don't you ask Ichimonji, or Katsuschmatsu, or whatever name he's going with right now?

***

Stage Show-Only Zectrooper
Part-time ZECT Member

Can you guys seriously believe this? I mean, that I even exist? That is totally whack! It's sick! It's "da bomb". I think. That's what the kids call it these days, isn't it? I dunno man.

What, Kamen Rider in 2007? No clue, dudes, I'm just happy if I make it out of 2006 alive! You have no idea how tough it is, even for a guy like me. Those Worms man, they're like rats! Big, green, killer rats that eat people and take their faces! Well, okay, I don't really know about the eating part, but hey, it worked a couple shows back, so I say, why not?

Oh, about the spiffy new chest armor you ask? It gives me like, super powers! Cuz I'm only in the stage shows, so I'm like extra-special and all that good stuff! I'm like, the best Zectrooper ever!

...except I still got killed in the end, because as cool as the new tech is, it ain't like what the Riders got, man. Drag. We all laughed when Kageyama got his pretty boy Dunamist butt chucked out of SHADOW, but lemme tell you guys, I bet he was yukkin' it up after we all got slaughtered a couple episodes later. It was crazy man, they were comin' out of the trees and stuff...and this is the middle of the city, too! That's how mean those Worms are, man. Giant rats, I tell ya. Well, um, giant bugs I guess, but you know what I mean. Speaking of which, I really don't like the looks of-

Note from Igadevil: Unfortunately, my brief conversation with Stage Show-Only Zectrooper was cut tragically short when he was dogpiled on by a horde of Worm grunts.

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Marshal Armor
Destron Officer

I don't know much about the Kamen Rider for 2007, but it's kind of been hard to keep up with all of these new guys in the first place. I lost track after like...Z-Rider, or something. If I actually cared, I'd go check, but I don't, so I won't.

But know this: If there's one thing that ticks me off about the state of the Kamen Riders these days, it's that Yuuki Jôji, or should say, Riderman, that worthless, dirt-eating, double-crossing traitor, is still alive. Seriously, what kind of half-baked retconning is that? He sacrificed himself in such a seemingly-noble yet at the same time pitiful manner, dying to vainly stop Deeeeeeeeeestron's rocket from destroying To-

Well, yes, I know he did actually stop the rocket, but that's besides the point. What I want to know is, how could that meddling fool possibly have survived-

What? He landed in Tahiti? Yeah, THAT MAKES SENSE. I'm sorry, but that whole "shrink people" scheme we had that one time, crazy as it was, is way more plausible than Riderman, a guy with absolutely no super powers beyond having a swiss army knife for an arm, being able to survive a quasi-nuclear explosion AND a drop of several thousand meters into the ocean. I'm sorry, I'm not buying it.

So how did that pitiful Yuuki survive, you ask? Simple: He cowardly never even boarded the rocket in the first place, and instead just sent his stunt double to do the deed. I wouldn't put it past him. I really wouldn't.

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The Badass Shotgun Guy
Rumored Candidate for 2006 Kamen Rider Human Identity

Hey kiddos. Betcha remember me, huh? Yeah, back around this time last year, before we had confirmation that Kamen Rider Kabuto would spend his off hours as some hippie cook always quotin' his grannie and havin' wussy make-up contests, y'all thought it was gonna be me behind the mask- with a bottle of sake in one hand and my trusy sawed-off in the other, ridin' the road between heaven and hell on my cruiser. Yea-heah! For the first time in like, years, I was going to be the biggest, baddest Rider ever. A manly man in the vein of the classics, someone you could look up to like the heroes of the good 'ol days. Because man, the last guy? He was like, barely outta highschool, probably still had training wheels on his-

What? He was in his 30's and has 15 years of experience prior to the start of the series? Damn. Well, okay, scratch everything I just said. But aside from him, I was gonna be the first "real man" Rider in a long time, yeah! Because let me tell you kids, there ain't nothing cooler than a stubble-faced, sunglass-wearing, gun-toting lone wolf who plays by his own set of rules. Am I right? That's right I'm right.

What? Transformation? Aw man, I dunno. I guess I woulda been one of those old-school Riders: no weapons, just my trusty old-

Well, yeah, I know that would go against the whole "Shotgun" thing, but c'mon. And don't even start about all the old-school Riders who used weapons. I mean, it was only like...well...um...quite a few, now that I think about it.

Oh! Did I mention I was going to have a totally badass sidekick too? He would be my 'ol mechanic buddy who carried around a katana, and also ran a snack shop! And he had an eyepatch! Doesn't get much more kickass than that!

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Kanzaki Shirô
Rider Battle Coordinator/Part-Time 7-11 Employee

You must fight. Fight until there is only one left. Fight until only you remain. You must fight to achieve the ultimate power. Your greatest dream, your deepest wish, all this shall be yours once you defeat all the other Riders. Using the card deck I have given you, you will enter the Mirror World and battle the other Riders until only one remains. Fight. Fight to attain the ultimate prize. Fight, fight because only then will you prove yourself in my eyes. Fight the other Riders, destroy them and all the power in the universe will be yours. You will gain all that you could ever possibly want. Say you want to become God. Boom! It's done, just as soon as you fight and defeat the other Riders. All twelve of them. Yes, there are twelve, count them, twelve plus you. That makes thirteen. Thirteen, the number that comes after twelve and before fourteen. There are only twelve other Riders to fight, they will be your targets. Not the Monsters, ignore them- all they're good for is contracting to achieve greater power, and then as food for your contracted monster. That's it. Just fight the Riders, and ignore everything else. The other twelve Riders. Twelve. Riders. That's it. Nothing more. Ignore any others who claim to be Riders- they're totally fakers. They're just crazy guys, they are not, and will never will be (nor ever were, I almost forgot that) Riders. They are just posers. Wait, scratch that. They don't exist. Yeah. That's how lame they are. Ignore them, and just concentracte on fighting the other Riders. All twelve of them. Nobody else, just the twelve Riders. Just um, be careful with the gold one. No, not the crab guy. The gold one, Odin. Yeah. He's tough. He's the most powerful Rider of all. He might say some stuff that sounds kind of like what I'm saying- "Fight! You must fight to win!" and all that- but take it from me, he's a different guy. We are not the same person. Got that? We're two seperate guys. In spite of the fact that we're the same height, say the same things, and I'm often seen holding the Odin card deck, we are not the same! Totally different people, okay? Just...just ignore whatever deluded preconceptions you might have, there's totally no connection between us whatsoever, okay? Good. Now go, and fight. Fight to be the last Rider left. Fight to-

Hey! I know you started scrolling after the I got to the part about the Monsters, go back up and finish the rest. I'm only saying this stuff once.

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Egyptas
Shocker Kaijin

Abarabarabarabarabara! Eboroboroboroboroboro! Ebarabarabarabarabarabara! Aboroboroboroboroboro! Abarabarabarabarabara! Ebarabarabarabarabarabara!
Ebarabarabarabarabarabara! Eboroboro....ebarabarabarabarabarabara!
Abarabarabarabarabara.....aboroboroboroboroboro!

Ebarabarabarabarabarabara! Aboroboro!

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Alternate Universe Doctor Shinigami
Self-Described Kung-Fu Monster Expert

Hey folks. Chances are, most of you are wondering just who the hell I am. In spite of the fact that, at first glance, I may appear to be the infamous Doctor Shinigami, Shocker's scientific master of evil and recent guest star in last year's Kamen Rider THE FIRST, I am, in fact, not him. Well, not the one you know. Rather, I come from the Taiwanese-produced, Toei-backed "Super Riders" films. Basically, they took Kamen Rider vs. Shocker, Kamen Rider vs. Ambassador Hell, and later Kamen Rider V3 vs. Destron Kaijin, and kinda-sorta remade them into two new films, casting new actors for almost all the roles (minus Taki, because you know, he was a big star! I think) and just using the battle footage, coupled with some all-new battle footage we filmed. Kinda like the Power Rangers, in a way. They even got dubbed in German eventually! They're actually pretty cool, and I'm in the first one, along with my good frind Ambassador Hell, who also isn't the Ambassador Hell you all know and love, but hey.

Erm....wait, why am I here again?

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Kagami Riku
Head of ZECT

MOOOOOOOZAAAAAARTTT!

Could any man have crafted such a spectacle as he? The lights, the sounds, the colors, Jim, the colors! Flowing together in such a magical symphony of the senses, a bastion of knowledge and incredible dexterity that can only be described as "Mer Fabulosivio" as I think the man himself would have said in the tongue of his day.

You kids these days, you must understand: when a room is filled with rats, the rats on one side of the room will inevitably turn on those on the other side, and then they will form their own football teams and wage a holy war for the very foundation upon which their live were built- the bag of grain! But as they say, when the rats are away, the cats will play, and then they also say, those who hold the rats at bay, if they can and if they may, then they will play for the rest of the day in the hay, indeed. You see, it was all those years ago that we decided, in our futile efforts to understand the truth behind the meaning of the whole thing, that indeed, when there is one rat too many, the other rats will turn against him. Just as you will eventually turn against each other, but until then take care of my son, for he is our only hope. Us, the rats and all.

ABBBBBBBBRRRRRRRRRAAAAAHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAMMM!

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Shin Kamen Rider
The True Masked Rider

Why doesn't anybody like me?






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