Ask the Experts: Next Year's Kamen Rider

The pictures are out, and although they've only been production artwork, CG, or toys, everybody's been talking about the design of 2007's apparently train-themed Kamen Rider. Although I feel you can't make a really accurate judgment until seeing the actual suit in action in the actual show (as with anything), I would be kidding if I said I didn't have any sort of opinion formed yet, although it's not really much beyond "Since nothing really shocks me any more, it's different, and looks interesting".

Of course, the experts, highly-opinionted as they are, beg to differ. And a few of them have already made up their minds on whether 2007 is going to be the "Best Year For Kamen Rider Ever" or a redux of the Dark Times™, also known as "That first moment when we all realized Saban's Masked Rider probably wasn't going to be very good."

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FIRSTy Hongô Takeshi
Jônan University Grad Student/Professional Brooder

Man, life sucks. As if things weren't bad enough with Asuka getting engaged to Katsuwhatsisface, there I was just minding my own business, cruising along on my bike, and then a bunch of guys in gasmasks ambush me, and their leader is Batman! Next thing I know, I'm getting thrown into walls, knocked unconcious, turned into a cyborg via highly painful surgery (without any anesthesia) and brainwashed into becoming a member of a secret evil organization that wants to take over the world. Or at least Japan. Well, maybe all they wanted to was to blow some stuff up, I'm still not really sure. What? Beautiful things, oh yeah! They wanted to make all the beautiful things in the world dirty. Yeah, there we go. And then it just all goes downhill from there. Sure, I get released from Shocker's control, but then they're all like "All traitors must die!" and stuff, and now I've got henchmen jumpin' out of trashcans and stuff everywhere I go. I can't even walk 10 feet without someone trying to kill me, like, three or four times, and that's just on a week day. So anyway, things just got worse when Ichimonji showed up. Like, imagine Katsusatsulangadang there, but even more of a ladies' man, plus he's *also* a Hopper, so he's like got Asuka wrapped around his finger and stuff. And HE'S tryin' to kill me too! Well, okay, he was, but then he got his butt kicked a couple times and now it's all cool between us. Well sorta, you see at the end of the movie- oh wait, I probably shouldn't go there right now.

Anyway, I guess I should consider myself pretty lucky. I mean, compared to some people at least. Like this guy I saw once, driving along, and- what? What do you mean "Does that indicate some kind of time paradox in which Kabuto is actually a prequel to all the later Kamen Riders, even if they came first?" I don't have a clue what you're talking about. Why don't you ask Ichimonji, or Katsuschmatsu, or whatever name he's going with right now?

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Stage Show-Only Zectrooper
Part-time ZECT Member

Can you guys seriously believe this? I mean, that I even exist? That is totally whack! It's sick! It's "da bomb". I think. That's what the kids call it these days, isn't it? I dunno man.

What, Kamen Rider in 2007? No clue, dudes, I'm just happy if I make it out of 2006 alive! You have no idea how tough it is, even for a guy like me. Those Worms man, they're like rats! Big, green, killer rats that eat people and take their faces! Well, okay, I don't really know about the eating part, but hey, it worked a couple shows back, so I say, why not?

Oh, about the spiffy new chest armor you ask? It gives me like, super powers! Cuz I'm only in the stage shows, so I'm like extra-special and all that good stuff! I'm like, the best Zectrooper ever!

...except I still got killed in the end, because as cool as the new tech is, it ain't like what the Riders got, man. Drag. We all laughed when Kageyama got his pretty boy Dunamist butt chucked out of SHADOW, but lemme tell you guys, I bet he was yukkin' it up after we all got slaughtered a couple episodes later. It was crazy man, they were comin' out of the trees and stuff...and this is the middle of the city, too! That's how mean those Worms are, man. Giant rats, I tell ya. Well, um, giant bugs I guess, but you know what I mean. Speaking of which, I really don't like the looks of-

Note from Igadevil: Unfortunately, my brief conversation with Stage Show-Only Zectrooper was cut tragically short when he was dogpiled on by a horde of Worm grunts.

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Marshal Armor
Destron Officer

I don't know much about the Kamen Rider for 2007, but it's kind of been hard to keep up with all of these new guys in the first place. I lost track after like...Z-Rider, or something. If I actually cared, I'd go check, but I don't, so I won't.

But know this: If there's one thing that ticks me off about the state of the Kamen Riders these days, it's that Yuuki Jôji, or should say, Riderman, that worthless, dirt-eating, double-crossing traitor, is still alive. Seriously, what kind of half-baked retconning is that? He sacrificed himself in such a seemingly-noble yet at the same time pitiful manner, dying to vainly stop Deeeeeeeeeestron's rocket from destroying To-

Well, yes, I know he did actually stop the rocket, but that's besides the point. What I want to know is, how could that meddling fool possibly have survived-

What? He landed in Tahiti? Yeah, THAT MAKES SENSE. I'm sorry, but that whole "shrink people" scheme we had that one time, crazy as it was, is way more plausible than Riderman, a guy with absolutely no super powers beyond having a swiss army knife for an arm, being able to survive a quasi-nuclear explosion AND a drop of several thousand meters into the ocean. I'm sorry, I'm not buying it.

So how did that pitiful Yuuki survive, you ask? Simple: He cowardly never even boarded the rocket in the first place, and instead just sent his stunt double to do the deed. I wouldn't put it past him. I really wouldn't.

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The Badass Shotgun Guy
Rumored Candidate for 2006 Kamen Rider Human Identity

Hey kiddos. Betcha remember me, huh? Yeah, back around this time last year, before we had confirmation that Kamen Rider Kabuto would spend his off hours as some hippie cook always quotin' his grannie and havin' wussy make-up contests, y'all thought it was gonna be me behind the mask- with a bottle of sake in one hand and my trusy sawed-off in the other, ridin' the road between heaven and hell on my cruiser. Yea-heah! For the first time in like, years, I was going to be the biggest, baddest Rider ever. A manly man in the vein of the classics, someone you could look up to like the heroes of the good 'ol days. Because man, the last guy? He was like, barely outta highschool, probably still had training wheels on his-

What? He was in his 30's and has 15 years of experience prior to the start of the series? Damn. Well, okay, scratch everything I just said. But aside from him, I was gonna be the first "real man" Rider in a long time, yeah! Because let me tell you kids, there ain't nothing cooler than a stubble-faced, sunglass-wearing, gun-toting lone wolf who plays by his own set of rules. Am I right? That's right I'm right.

What? Transformation? Aw man, I dunno. I guess I woulda been one of those old-school Riders: no weapons, just my trusty old-

Well, yeah, I know that would go against the whole "Shotgun" thing, but c'mon. And don't even start about all the old-school Riders who used weapons. I mean, it was only like...well...um...quite a few, now that I think about it.

Oh! Did I mention I was going to have a totally badass sidekick too? He would be my 'ol mechanic buddy who carried around a katana, and also ran a snack shop! And he had an eyepatch! Doesn't get much more kickass than that!

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Kanzaki Shirô
Rider Battle Coordinator/Part-Time 7-11 Employee

You must fight. Fight until there is only one left. Fight until only you remain. You must fight to achieve the ultimate power. Your greatest dream, your deepest wish, all this shall be yours once you defeat all the other Riders. Using the card deck I have given you, you will enter the Mirror World and battle the other Riders until only one remains. Fight. Fight to attain the ultimate prize. Fight, fight because only then will you prove yourself in my eyes. Fight the other Riders, destroy them and all the power in the universe will be yours. You will gain all that you could ever possibly want. Say you want to become God. Boom! It's done, just as soon as you fight and defeat the other Riders. All twelve of them. Yes, there are twelve, count them, twelve plus you. That makes thirteen. Thirteen, the number that comes after twelve and before fourteen. There are only twelve other Riders to fight, they will be your targets. Not the Monsters, ignore them- all they're good for is contracting to achieve greater power, and then as food for your contracted monster. That's it. Just fight the Riders, and ignore everything else. The other twelve Riders. Twelve. Riders. That's it. Nothing more. Ignore any others who claim to be Riders- they're totally fakers. They're just crazy guys, they are not, and will never will be (nor ever were, I almost forgot that) Riders. They are just posers. Wait, scratch that. They don't exist. Yeah. That's how lame they are. Ignore them, and just concentracte on fighting the other Riders. All twelve of them. Nobody else, just the twelve Riders. Just um, be careful with the gold one. No, not the crab guy. The gold one, Odin. Yeah. He's tough. He's the most powerful Rider of all. He might say some stuff that sounds kind of like what I'm saying- "Fight! You must fight to win!" and all that- but take it from me, he's a different guy. We are not the same person. Got that? We're two seperate guys. In spite of the fact that we're the same height, say the same things, and I'm often seen holding the Odin card deck, we are not the same! Totally different people, okay? Just...just ignore whatever deluded preconceptions you might have, there's totally no connection between us whatsoever, okay? Good. Now go, and fight. Fight to be the last Rider left. Fight to-

Hey! I know you started scrolling after the I got to the part about the Monsters, go back up and finish the rest. I'm only saying this stuff once.

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Egyptas
Shocker Kaijin

Abarabarabarabarabara! Eboroboroboroboroboro! Ebarabarabarabarabarabara! Aboroboroboroboroboro! Abarabarabarabarabara! Ebarabarabarabarabarabara!
Ebarabarabarabarabarabara! Eboroboro....ebarabarabarabarabarabara!
Abarabarabarabarabara.....aboroboroboroboroboro!

Ebarabarabarabarabarabara! Aboroboro!

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Alternate Universe Doctor Shinigami
Self-Described Kung-Fu Monster Expert

Hey folks. Chances are, most of you are wondering just who the hell I am. In spite of the fact that, at first glance, I may appear to be the infamous Doctor Shinigami, Shocker's scientific master of evil and recent guest star in last year's Kamen Rider THE FIRST, I am, in fact, not him. Well, not the one you know. Rather, I come from the Taiwanese-produced, Toei-backed "Super Riders" films. Basically, they took Kamen Rider vs. Shocker, Kamen Rider vs. Ambassador Hell, and later Kamen Rider V3 vs. Destron Kaijin, and kinda-sorta remade them into two new films, casting new actors for almost all the roles (minus Taki, because you know, he was a big star! I think) and just using the battle footage, coupled with some all-new battle footage we filmed. Kinda like the Power Rangers, in a way. They even got dubbed in German eventually! They're actually pretty cool, and I'm in the first one, along with my good frind Ambassador Hell, who also isn't the Ambassador Hell you all know and love, but hey.

Erm....wait, why am I here again?

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Kagami Riku
Head of ZECT

MOOOOOOOZAAAAAARTTT!

Could any man have crafted such a spectacle as he? The lights, the sounds, the colors, Jim, the colors! Flowing together in such a magical symphony of the senses, a bastion of knowledge and incredible dexterity that can only be described as "Mer Fabulosivio" as I think the man himself would have said in the tongue of his day.

You kids these days, you must understand: when a room is filled with rats, the rats on one side of the room will inevitably turn on those on the other side, and then they will form their own football teams and wage a holy war for the very foundation upon which their live were built- the bag of grain! But as they say, when the rats are away, the cats will play, and then they also say, those who hold the rats at bay, if they can and if they may, then they will play for the rest of the day in the hay, indeed. You see, it was all those years ago that we decided, in our futile efforts to understand the truth behind the meaning of the whole thing, that indeed, when there is one rat too many, the other rats will turn against him. Just as you will eventually turn against each other, but until then take care of my son, for he is our only hope. Us, the rats and all.

ABBBBBBBBRRRRRRRRRAAAAAHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAMMM!

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Shin Kamen Rider
The True Masked Rider

Why doesn't anybody like me?






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