Point/Counterpoint: Faiz vs. Kaixa

Warning: Spoilers for Kamen Rider Faiz and other series probable. But the stars told me they feel that it's really your own fault if you haven't watched them yet!

Kusaka: You &#$%ing suck.

Inui Takumi
Part-time Dry Cleaner

There are three things in this world I really hate. Hot liquids. Hate 'em. People stealing my laundry. Hate those too.

And then there's Kusaka.

My God, what an incredible bastard that guy is. He swoops in, uses the belt that just caused like ten billion guys to die if they even put it on, and kicks Mr. whatsisname's (it was K-something I think) butt. And everybody thinks he's like, the greatest thing ever! I've barely been able to enjoy that for a dozen episodes and suddenly Ku-sucker Masato is the hottest thing since... well, either Ryuki Survive or Kamen Rider Ouja, depending on if you liked him or not (dude was all talk if you ask me; he got owned by a bunch of cops. I took on a friggin' assault vehicle with a crazy gun-shooting monster riding on it!)

But Kusaka... come on, man. He's not even in the same league as those guys (or me, especially me.) He's just some jackass-of-all-trades with a belt, and he gets his ugly mug right there next to real winners like Rider 1 or Agito or... well, me. What the hell, right?

Let's go over the main points, shall we?

1. Kusaka is just some loser who keeps having a flashback about some time when he was drowning or something that never really makes any sense. He was also Mari's classmate as a child, and like everybody else in her class, was a total freak. Then he like, died or something, but came back, and now had to carry Handy Wipes around with him at all times. What the? Like that makes any sense. If I got blood on my hands, I wouldn't freak the hell out (like I did with the Orphenoc ash, but... well... shut up!) I would totally make a fist and punch whatever just bled on me. That would show them.

2. He's got a robot. Big whoop. I got 1 too.

2. That "X" thing? Been done before, and better. And no, don't try to tell me it's different because it's a Greek letter, and that pun? Come on, man. At least Faiz makes sense.

...well okay, maybe not, but you know what I mean.

4... no wait, 3. No... 4. Yeah, 4. I cannot freaking believe that my "holy trinity" includes Kusaka and that bonehead Mihara. Agito got Gills & G3-X. Ryuki got Knight & Zolda. Blade got Garren, Chalice AND Leangle. Hibiki had Ibuki & Todoroki. Kabuto had... well okay, Gatack, and maybe Drake since he didn't die. And Den-O had Zeronos, plus like himself a million times over. I get...

Kusaka, who we've already established is a total jerkwad, and Mihara, who was about as useful as a broken key. I mean, seriously. Remember that final three-on-one against the Arc/Arch/Archie/Whatever Orphenoch? The one where at least I had Kiba backing me up, even if he had turned into a total evil asshat for some reason a couple episodes prior? Yeah, that one. We could have spotted the other side Mihara, and we still would have won! That's how bad he is.

But he's still better than Kusaka, who if I haven't made it clear by now, I. Really. Really. Don't. Like.

...but he is useful in those big fights and as long as he washes the van, I'll let him stick around.

But I'll be watching his every move.

Every.

Last.

One.

Also: He's like, 27 and Mari is like 15. Yeah, draw your own conclusions.

***

You can't spell "Team" without "emo"!

Kusaka Masato
Hero to the masses

HAHAHA ROFLcopter! Oh Inui, you crack me up. You're like if all the greatest comedians in the world got together and had a baby, and then someone took DNA samples from them to make a super being who then married that baby and THEIR kid is you. For realz.

Let's get something straight kids: I? Am Awesome. And that's all there is to it really. I mean check it out: Where all those other losers failed, I succeeded. Not only did I excel at every damn sport in the world (and that includes the illegal ones like Murderball and Armed Handball) but I used the Kaixa gear and, get this— didn't crumble away like a poorly-constructed pyramid! No, I survived, and used it again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and THEN it stopped working, but I blame "Dad" for that one. Wasn't my fault.

And hey, I also was able to use the Faiz and Delta gear! And in the original ending of the movie, I got to turn into Psyga (after I kicked that English-spouting moron's butt with my awesome giant robot) and the other one who nobody remembers not, but he was the #$%& back in the day! MIRITE!? YARLY!

So face it, Dorkumi; you're stuck with me as part of your trio of heroes because really, who else is there? Mari couldn't use the Faiz gear if she tried, Keitarô is slightly less idiotic than you, and And Mihara? Come on. Mihara couldn't beat himself if he tried. At least he was loyal though and hit things when I told him to, which is why he's our third wheel. Hey, it was the best we could manage; everybody else who used the Delta Gear either went crazy and died or was evil! Slim pickings there.

But you and mean, Inui, you and me. We're the real dream team. I know, we had our spats now and then, especially that one time when you flipped the %*&$ out and attacked me (so you see, it's really all YOUR fault!) but come on guy, when the chips are down and all the World's a stage, we're like bread and butter. We complete each other. In a totally platonic sort of way just in case you weren't sure. So yeah. Teamwork. That's what it's all about.

And part of teamwork is being able to critique and learn from each other, right buuuuuuuuuuddy? So let's talk about insecurities. Insecurities, hah! You think I'm insecure, look in a mirror some time, pal-a-rino. I think you're just imposing your own insecurities on me because it's really YOU who are insecure! Now that's pot calling the kettle black, or whatever the hell that expression is (and seriously; who the #$%& cares anymore? We don't need pots, we have microwaves for stuff like that now.)

And complain about my flashbacks all you want, but they make a hell of a lot more sense than any of yours. Oh yeah, I can totally buy the whole thing about you just happening to drive past our big barbecue reunion special thing, and then that creepy underage kid that Lucky Clover has shows up and kills everybody (with some help from a monster who nobody remembered after that!) Ace bit of plotting there, writers.

Also, I could kick your butt any day. Just to let you know.

So chew on that, Tak-kun. You make a good human shield now, but one of these days, I'm going to kill you in your sleep and Mari will be mine.

P.S. You suck!

P.P.S. ...by the way, could you come by and give a pal a hand ? I locked myself in the van again...

***