Guest Column: Bright! Our Chosen Future Soldier

From time to time, I like to open up this blog to give others a chance to let their voices be heard. Unfortunately, nobody ever answers the call. So I have to resort to asking one of the stars themselves to rise to the task... once again.

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed below do not necessarily conform to the opinions of Igadevil.

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Ichimonji Hayato
Freelance Identity Crisis-ist/Professional Ladies' Man

Now I dunno about you guys, but I've yet to come across anyone who is as thrilled as I am that I'll be returning to the big screen all across Japan (Note: in select theaters only) tomorrow for Kamen Rider THE NEXT, the sequel to 2005's Kamen Rider THE FIRST. I mean, seriously.

I asked Hongô, and he was all moody and broody as usual, going on about how much his life sucks and how Shocker's always out to get him and especially in this movie, where he's saddled with being a teacher at like MIT-Japan or something and he's got this girl hanging around with him but she isn't Asuka, and his helmet's all beat up now and his costume changed color for no reason and unlike in the TV series, Kazami isn't his loyal friend and junior student but some dork with nanobots runnin' around in him, and on top of all that, he still can't be as badass as Fujioka's Rider 1, even when he does crazy stuff like stop a motorcycle tire with his bare hands and...

Oh sorry, I've just been informed I can't talk about movie spoilers yet. You'll have to wait for Igadevil's review when he gets back from the theater. Well, I suppose other people might see it too and post about it online, but c'mon, will it really be the same? It'll probably just be more of the usual "I didn't get it, I never watched the original series so I don't understand why they are grasshoppers now? I thought Kamen Rider was a beetle guy." Screw that noise, right guys? And also, just to throw it out there, I am not that Katsuhiko guy, okay?

Ah yes, Katsuhiko. You think he'll be explained at all in the movie? Ha! You wish. They don't bother to... oh sorry, I can't get into that, can I?

Um... let's see. I know. I'll talk about the new costumes. Everybody's seen those, right? Look cool, don't they? After 2 years of fighting, our costumes are all beat up, and mine is downright decaying because of that "Rejection" thingy. And I'm throwing up blood! The movie gets a PG-12 rating cuz I throw up blood and we see Chainsaw Lizard topless or something. Wait, does that count at a spoiler? I dunno. There's some other stuff too, but you'll have to read about that in Igadevil's upcoming review. Oh, did I meantion the Shocker Riders are in it? Yeah, except they all look the same this time. So it's official: from here on out, everyone who can't tell the original series Shocker Riders apart has no excuse. Learn those colors and learn them well, gang. I mean, nobody has trouble telling Kuuga's forms apart, even when they just slapped some gold on here and there, right? Wait, does that count as a spoiler? I mean, not everybody's seen Kuuga's show yet.

Although, I gotta say, it's like 8 years old or something, where've you been? Get with the times, people. Also, back on the subject of your dead fiancee, who I'm not, just so we're clear... oh sorry, I thought you were Asuka. It happens, you see. She's been gone so long now, I just start thinking she'll jump out of the bushes on me at any minute. That at any given time, the person I'm talking with will just pull off a rubber mask and it'll be Asuka and she'll be like "Boo!". Or maybe she had some plastic surgery or something. Ya know, if you squint really hard, Den-O's sister looks like she could be Asuka from a distance, so who knows, right? Er, wait... what was I talking about again?

Oh right. The movie. Well, I can't tell you anything you don't already know, which probably isn't much, but trust me, you'll be knowing a whole lot more in the near future. Like, maybe even tomorrow! Or maybe not. Maybe like, wherever you are, tomorrow's when all hell breaks loose and demons invade or something. I dunno, does that ever happen outside of Japan? Because it seems like there's something going on every week here or the other... hey, you know, I used to be Ultraman Agul? I was badass back then. Badass now, too. I'm just made of badassity, aren't I?

Sorry guys, I'm rambling on, I know, but I'm trying like hell to avoid movie spoilers. It's tough, it really is. I'm doing my best, I really am.

Okay, I can't take it any more.

I have to spoil just one thing. Just one.

Seriously, if you don't want to know, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, DON'T SCROLL DOWN.

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Okay? Well, here goes.

Remember how Kagami's dad was in the first movie? And he like, died in the opening scene?





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Well, he's back in this one.

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Kagami Riku
Head of ZECT


MOOOOOOOOZZZZZZAAAAAAAAARRRRRRTTTTTT!

Yes my friends, one and all, it is true: I shalt haveth returnedeth inth theth movieth. Kamen Rider Kabuto the Next I think it is called? What? Not Kabuto you say? Just as well perhaps. After all, I saw fit to include the Red Shoes System as a way to keep the dancing going. And oh, what a dancing it will be! Dance after dance after dance, why, you could almost form your own dancing team! Speaking of dancing, let's pause for a minute and remember the rats fondly, for they gave their lives for all, just to stop the senseless killing... the rats, the lemmings, and the lemming-rats, oh they of the genetic mishaps that were churned out in the early days, the days before the dark times.

Before the Empire.

An Empire of the Cats, my friends. An Empire of the Cats. And the Dogs, and the Birds, and a lot of other animals who I will capitalize for your enjoyment.

Are you familiar with the works of Poe? Or perhaps you are more of a Decartes-type Pokey Man? See, I made a pop-cultural reference, I can be hip in spite of what my idiot son believes. His old man can throw a fast ball like none other. In fact, I used to play on the company team. And by the company, I mean the police, that's what we called it back then, the company. No capitalization, it wasn't that special. Now then, those were the days. The days when men were men, women were men, and all the world was a stage. I believe it was Shakespeare who said "It takes one to know one" and it was Holmes who said "Yo yo yo, this be my muth#$%&* solid-gold plated magnifying glass mutha#$%ers!" Or maybe not, I admit I didn't bother to go back and check.

But oh, the dancing! The dancing. Indeed. How it makes me long for those old days, before the dark times, the empires and the capitalization. Back when you could put your apple pies on the windowsill to cool without fear of pie-eating crows attacking your cornfield, harvesting your hired hands like they were so many tasty piece of penny candy. When neighbors trusted each other with their lives, even if they were literally stabbing each other in the back with a misplaced pitchfork. Back to the days when farm animals dreamt not of Communist revolution or Machiavellian space-colony takeovers, but only of tomorrow's slop bucket.

Oh, those days. Those dying, dying days.

VOLTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIRE!

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