Ask the Experts: Holding out for a Ryôtarô

Some love him, some pity him, and I don't think any sane person wants to actually be him, but if there's one thing that Nogami Ryôtarô/Kamen Rider Den-O has, it's a strong opinion. And now he's here to answer your Kamen Rider questions, in a very special edition of Ask The Experts.

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Dear Ryôtarô,

Those drinks your sister always makes look good! Can you give me the recipes?

-airiozaki4eva


Nogami Ryôtarô
Greatest in the world unfortunate cameraman guy

Uh... hello. Well, um, er, you see... OH GOD PLEASE DON'T HIT ME! NOOOOOOOOOOOO! AH! AH!

Ah... haha. Sorry. I thought you were one of those gang members. Well, let's see. My big sister's drink mixes are a special family secret, I'm afraid. I asked her one time, you see. I wanted to make a Grass-Flavored Frappuccino for myself after a hard day of getting thrown through the windshield of a bus and getting my bike repaired after some kindly old man back up over it by accident and getting held hostage by a crazy guy with a knife and getting trampled by a football team and getting electrocuted while changing a lightbulb at the Milk Dipper and getting shot in the head by one of Ozaki's vengeful ex-girlfriends and getting kicked in the groin by schoolgirls who thought I was a creepy stalker when I was just trying to return the cellphone strap they dropped, and she pulled me aside and said something that to this day I'll never forget.

She said "Ryô-chan, the recipes for my drinks are a secret Nogami family recipes passed down from generation to generation. They have been finetuned over the years until now, when they are in their utmost perfect form. However, with the flowing of time has come the loss of the original recipes themselves, so I've had to substitute a few things here and there. And that is why what was once a Tropical Passion Fruit Smoothie is now a Poppy Seed & Strained Pea Water Daiquiri, and what used to be a Malt Chocolate Protein Shake has become what I like to call Airi's Pond Scum Specialty. Miura was brave enough to try it the other day. Speaking of which, I wonder how he's doing over at the hospital? Well, in any case, the point is that even if I wanted to tell you the recipes, I couldn't, because I just don't remember them anymore. Like that telescope over there. You know, that one. Yeah. It is a memory lost to the ages, swept over by the sands of time. But sometimes, if I try to remember them, they will appear before me, and otherwise they just sleep somewhere in my mind LOLZ DOCTOR WHO REFERENCE FTW!!!1!"

So you see, nobody but my sister really knows the answers for sure. Sorry. No really, I'm sorry. Really sorry. REALLY! OH GOD PLEASE DON'T HIT ME! AH! AH! OH GOD NOOOOOOO!

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Dear Ryôtarô,

Which should I watch first: Kamen Rider Faiz, Kamen Rider Blade, or Kamen Rider Kabuto?

-ryuki2002


MomoRyôtarô
Always starts on a climax

Ore Sanjou! Oi oi oi! Who do you think you are, the stinky flower woman? I don't answer to nobody but myself. So you can take your questions and stuff 'em. I'll tell you what I think is important. Get it? Got it? Good. Now sit back and listen up. This is important, and there will be a quiz at the end. And if you get anything wrong, I'll give you a taste of my hissatsu waza. Ohhhhhhhh, yeah!

I dunno about you guys, but I'm gettin' tired of all these newbies coming in and cramping my style, ya know? Take that turtle bastard for instance. He thinks he's soooo special just because he can dress like a dork and score with the ladies. But you know what? Screw that noise! I could kick his butt with one hand, one leg, and one eye tied behind my back! Because when it comes to fightin', nobody— and I mean nobody— tops the big red one. I mean, I'm a literal demon! I could probably take on the entire world all at once and win. I'm just that badass! Haha! I love fighting! I could eat fighting, sleep fighting, breath fighting, and cr— well, you get the idea. But fightin' is good. Just you wait, later in the series, I'll be fighting like, every Rider monster ever. Well, assuming the budget doesn't run out. But hey, stock footage costs like... um... not much! So yeah. Every monster ever!

And how about that big dumb bear? Stubborn as a... well, a bear, I guess. I'll tell you what though, it isn't that he's tough, it's that he's too stupid to move when I punch him in the face!How dumb can you get? He doesn't even know when I'm kicking his own—

What? Aw, crap. Well, Ryôtarô wants me to answer the stupid question, and Hana's threatening to beat the @#$% out of me, so we might as well get on with it, huh? I mean, it's not like I *want* to answer it, but seeing as how I'm in his body and Hana is like right there and ready to flip out like she always does (just between us, she seriously needs to take some anger management classes. Or loosen up and do the horizontal tango with Urataros) and... okay, where were we? Um...

Right. Blade vs. Faiz vs. Kabuto. I say, screw em all, I could take every one of—

Okay okay! Jeez. I guess when it all comes down to it, you have to look at what they use in battle. Blade has like, playing cards or somethin', while Faiz shoots people with a cell phone. And Kabuto has these like, bug things that come outta a tear in the fabric of the universe or some @#$%, and this neat gun/axe/knife thing. Oh, and he can travel in time, so I guess that makes him the toughest. Aside from me, because I'll just time travel back before he can time travel and kick his ass first! Woo-hoo. Yeah! It's a climax as soon as I get started!

...What? Doesn't answer the question? Forget that, just watch all three of them ya lazy dorks. Now excuse me, I gotta go find something to fight. I love fighting! Fighting is good. Can't argue with that logic! Mmm mmm, fighting!

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Dear Ryôtarô,

Who's hotter: Misaki, Hiyori, or Renge?

-gattackattack


UraRyôtarô
Too sexy for his shirt

Awwwwwwwwwww, yeah, girl. You're so fine! You and me are gonna—
*Ahem* Sorry. I tend to get a little carried away sometimes. It's Ryôtarô's body, you see. He is just such a blank slate! Seriously, you walk a mile in this guy's shoes, and you can be anything you want to be. And right now, I want to be your sugar daddy, baby. Bow-chika-wow-wow. Uh-huh. Yeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

Whoa! uh, sorry about that, I thought you were Hana. Where was I? Oh yes. Well, let's see. There's no easy answer to this question. It's sort of like deciding between a nice long fishing pole with that extra length, as opposed to the shorter one with superior width. On the one hand, the long one gives you that extra reach, and you can push it further, you know what I mean? But the wider one has more stability, and thus more force to it. It's not going to snap like a twig in a gentle fall breeze. Speaking of which, has anyone ever mentioned how lovely your hair looks in a gentle fall breeze? It's so fleeting, like the morning dew, and— er, sorry. But you have to admit, it is pretty luscious. Just like your— well, the less said the better, I suppose.

Anyway, I think we need to look at the facts here. Hiyori is pretty cute, but she's also... well, in the interest of avoiding spoilers, let's just say she's got a very overprotective guardian. And by guardian I mean older brother. And by older brother I mean... you know, I could be your older brother if you want. Just say my name, and I'll be there for you, just like that song says—

Gah! Sorry about that. Really. I'll stick to the question, promise. Renge was something to write home about, but let's face it: she's also totally bassackwards insane, and a terrible cook. And really, where's the love if the food isn't good? If you've ever seen Tampopo, you know that food is a highly er—

Oh, sorry, I guess I can't go into detail. This is a family-oriented blog anyway. But Renge, yeah. That whole thing with her being in the military and stuff? Total turn-off. I like my women like I like my fish- lean, trim, and not ugly. So yeah, I guess I'll have to go with Misaki. Because, let me tell you guys, she was all over Tsurugi even though he was like, totally younger than her. And the older woman/younger guy thing? Totally HAWT, IMHO. And that's no lie. I may lie a lot, like that one time I lied about Ryôtarô's age to get him/me/us into that club, but when I'm talking about 1) girls and 2) fishing, it's just the facts, bayyyyyyyyyyyyyby. Oh yeah. Cold as ice.

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Dear Ryôtarô,

What is the name of Skyrider's show? Igadevil.com calls it "New Kamen Rider", but some people say it's "Kamen Rider (Skyrider)" or just "Kamen Rider" or just "Skyrider" or just "That really friggin' awesome show where the hero has a Rider Spinal-Damage attack"

-oldskoolrider12783


KinRyôtarô
You cried cuz of his strength!

Cry? Did someone say cry? Honnara, don't cry! Kintaros is here, and he'll fix everything. Oh wait, I'm Kintaros, aren't I? I mean, I'll fix everything. NAKERUDE! I'm from Kansai!

So, Skyrider you say, chau? Never heard of him, but he sounds like a worthy opponent. I'm from Kansai! It's so hard to find good ones these days. I haven't had a really good fight since... well, I guess the one I had with that Ivy guy was good, but if we're talking about a MECCHA good fight, wait until the next episode of my show. I mean, it's going to have all those Imagin coming back and—

Well, yeah, okay. Technically, it's Ryôtarô's show, but hey, right now, I am Ryôtarô! I'm from Kansai! How cool is that, naa? Lookit me, I'm a pretty boy now, for cryin' out loud!

Wait, did someone say cry? Don't cry! Here, wipe your tears with this. There we are. I'm from Kansai! Now, back to Slyride door or whatever it was called. I don't know much about things that don't involve hitting stuff, but I do know that the one they call "igadevil" is generally right about like, a ton of things, so I'd listen to him. I think he said somewhere that "New Kamen Rider is the generally-accepted named used by fans as well as by guidebooks to set it apart from the original series" or somethin', and if you disagree with that logic, you're probably an ahou. What would I know though? I'd know this: How to fix your problems, whatever they may be. I'm good at fixing things. There's nothing I can't fix! I'm from Kansai!

...well okay, I can't do long division, but really, who can? It's totally akan. Hey, did I mention I'm from Kansai yet?

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Dear Ryôtarô,

Who would win in a Matrix-style gun fight: Zolda, Delta, Garren, Ibuki, or Drake? Or would Roborider just come in an own them all?

-Kunaigun4


RyuuRyôtarô
LAWLZ B1G GUN!!1

HAHAHA WOOOOOO~! LOOKIT ME, I GOTA DANCE! GOTA DANCE, GOTA DANCE, WOHOOOO! II JUMP II JUMP SUGEI JUMP!

HEI, HEI GAIZ! IS IT OK IF I DANCE IN TEH PARK1/? HAHA LOLZERS! WHOOOO! YAH YEAH BABAY WOHOOOOO! DANCEY DANCEY DANCEY! HAHAHA HEI LOOK A SANWICH! HAHA LOALZ!!!11!!one II JUMP II JUMP SUGEI JUMP! JUMP! JUMP!

LOL OKAY, ENOUGH JOKES. LIKE, GARREN PWNS BECUZ HE IS JAWESOME!!!!1!!1!010101010101!!!! II JUMP! YOU KNOW, HAHAHA! LOWLZERS! AND NOW U R PROB LIK WUT ORLY?!?!? NO WAI!!! AN IM LIKE YES WAI!!!!1!! HAHA LOLZ. HEI HEI U NO HU IS TEH JAWESOME!?!?!/!??!?!?1//? AMINIMALZ!!!! HAHAHA LOL YAH RLY!!!1!!

I LUV AMNINMANSL!!! HAHAHA! THEY R SO KUUT N FUZZY N STUFF!! I WANT TO B FRIENDS W/ U IF U LIKE AMNIMANSL RAISE UR HAND AN B LIKE WOOOOOO! ANMINANLMALS R SO COOOOOL!!!!1!1!!! HAHAHA LOLWLZEORS! III JUMP!

HEI HEI WANT TO HERE A GUD JOKES!? YAH RLY, LIKE WUT HAPPENS WHEN U R ON ROLLERSKATES AND U LOLZ!? GESS WUT? YOU HAVE LOLLERSKATES!!!111! HAHAHAHAHAH!!! WOOOOOOOO! I LUV ME THE AMNINMANLS!!! HAHAHAHA!!!!!111!one11!!!!1!!!1!!exclamationmark

ROWTAROZ BODEE IS SO FUN111!!! HAHA I CUD LIKE B IN IT ALL DEI!!! HAHA LOWLZEROS! LAWLZ! WOOOO! II JUMP II JUMP SUGEI JUMP! JUMP! HAHAHAHA! LAWLZ!!! B1G GUN GO BANG BANG!!!1!1 LOWLZEORS!!!

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