Guest Column: State of the Yaguruma Address

From time to time, I like to open up the blog to give others a chance to have their voices be heard. Unfortunately, nobody ever answers the call. So I had to resort to asking one of the stars themselves to rise to the task...once again.

Disclaimer: The opinions expressed below do not necessarily conform to the opinions of Igadevil.

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Yaguruma Sô
Tormented Soul, Part-time Circle K Employee

I envy you. Sitting there behind your computer screen, patiently awaiting the release of Kamen Rider Den-O episode #3. Listening to the leaked full version of Climax Jump over and over and over and over and over and realizing "You know, what the hell is the chorus saying anyway?" Maybe even eating some instant Ramen, but let's not kid ourselves, right?

God, what should I do now, huh? There's no more Perfect Harmony. There is a Hell, and I have seen it. Fallen into it, in fact. Tripped there on the way to the store. Into the deep, dark, scalding recesses; the metaphorical bowels of- actually, I don't like where that analogy is going. Let's just settle for "a really darkbad place". Yeah, I like the sound of that. "Darkbad". As in "Dark" meets "Bad". "Darkbad". Sums up my life right now.

And what is my life like right now, you ask? I'll tell you. After the show ended, and Kageyama...um..."went off to find the light", yeah, that works....things just went topsy-turvy. No Perfect Harmony, you know? Wait, that was when this whole mess first got started. Hang on.

There we go. Sorry, I had to check on the website; even I don't know what the heck was going on at the end there. You may notice I wasn't in the last episode. Some even speculate that I may of died, and then Wikipedia said the same thing. And if Wikipedia says its true, it must be true, right? You just wait. I fully intend for some of this to wind up on Wikipedia eventually. You know it's going to happen.

Anyway, me. Last episode. Yaguruma. Well, the me that is Yaguruma, remember, he's a different guy. Even though he's me. Got it? Good. So what happened to me huh? Toei just forgot about us losers; focused on Tendork and Kajerkmi there. Yeah. So what happened, you ask. Well, I'll tell you guys. See, I didn't buy into that whole necklace fad. What do losers like me need those for, right? Necklaces are shiny. Light is shiny. Therefore, necklaces are like the light, and I can't grasp the light ever agai-

Well, yes, I know I did change my mind and made a big deal about "finding the light that only we can grasp" and all that near the end, but give me a break. I have lost my Aibô, spoiler warning in case you missed that, but hey- who hasn't seen the end of the show by now, right? God knows what with all the fussing people have been doing over Den-O, which- while admittedly pretty cool- is very quickly falling into the same Hell that I, Kamen Rider Kabuto, Furby and pogs have fallen into: the Hell of being the GR8T35T TH1NG 3VAR!!!1! as TheBee Zecter used to say. God, I hate that stupid oversized honeybucket.

So what do I mean by that, you ask? Well, think of it this way: When Kabuto first began, everyone was flipping out in joy. "Stupid-Evil" Hibiki was over and dead; and the 35th Anniversary had arrived, and Kamen Rider looked to have reclaimed its grandeur at last. For some, it was the Second Coming in Rider Form. And yes, the pun is intended.

I envy you. Sorry, just had to get that out. It comes up a lot, y'know.

Right, so everyone loved Kabuto, but the end comes along, Den-O starts, and what happens? Suddenly, the show that ruled over all was the show that @#$%ed up its own time-travel gimmick, featured a static, unlikable protagonist, and totally blew its ending. Well, not everyone felt that way, but many did and still do, and in the end, the many are what matter. Because the majority has never, ever been wrong, right? Wrong. But losers like me, nobody listens to us. I blame the lack of Perfect Harmony. Damn it.

Anyway, all I'm saying is Den-O is riding on a risky track. Yes, pun intended once more, stop rolling your eyes. Think about it: at this time next year, people may be saying the same thing, when Den-O screws up its ending and the next show looks SO much better by comparison. Everyone will change their screen names, avatars and signature banners again, and despite the few remaining loyals fans, people will look back on 2007 as another year of high hopes, raised expectations, and an ultimate letdown when it turns out Ryôtarô wasn't actually developing at all because the entire thing turned out to be a dream, and he wakes up just in time to go get stuck in a tree and have the whole thing repeat, or something like that. On that note, hopefully Toei or Kobayashi isn't reading this.

So what can you do to help? Easy. There's nothing you can do. You can only watch and await the inevitable. That's how the world works, Aibô. Now, there's a chance I could be wrong, and maybe Den-O will have the best ending ever (well, third-best, since it has been scientifically proven that it is impossible to have a better ending than the original series or Kamen Rider Stronger) and it will be a popular and much-loved series for many years after it ends. Or not, but only time will tell, and unfortunately, Den-O can't just go into the future and see what the end of his show is like, because that would create a paradox and all that stuff. Hey, I do have some hobbies; I can't be a butt-kicking badass all the time, right? Right.

Of course, I know one way Den-O would be guarenteed for success, and that's if I were in it. I mean, do you remember how people freaked the $%#@ out the moment I came back? How everyone was changing their names to "Kickhopper21" and "Yaguruma4Ever396"? No? Well, you better hop on the next Den-Liner and time-travel back to see it all happen again, or are you too scared to use the Hyper Zecter?!?

...well yes, I know you can't really do that, but bear with me. I may be a loser, one who has fallen into the shadows, obscured from the light...but I do have dignity, y'know. Anyway...um...where was I...oh yes, me! If I were in the show, not only would I show that Ryôtarô kid what a real badass is, but I'd finally get what I didn't have in Kabuto, and that's multiple forms! Check it out:

*Kick Form: Default, badass me.

*Punch Form: Possessed by the spirit of my dear 'ol Aibô, I gain his powers to beat the living hell out of anything and everything. Yeah, I know he's not an Imagin, but...hey, I *am* Yaguruma, remember?

*Harmony Form: A perfect balance between all other forms, in which I look like the guy who used to be me. Who I am now. Well, I'm not him, but you know what I mean. I even made up a name for the Imagin, I call him "Harmotaros". Not to be confused with "Hamutaro", okay?

*Fell-into-Hell Form: Kinda like when Hibiki sets on fire, except all the time. Ooh, and I get to fly too! And shoot fireballs. Yeah. That would be kickass.

So there you have it. Write to Toei. Tell them you want to see Yaguruma in Kamen Rider Den-O, and damned if they can't understand you writing in English. It'll get through to them. They'll see the light.

God knows I did.

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