The Nightmare Before Christmas

It's the Friday before Christmas, and I need something to review
So what the heck guys, an episode of Masked Rider will do.
After all, there is a holiday-themed installment of that infamous show
It's called "Ferbus' First Christmas"... sounds very promising, I know.

After a preview that basically spoils the entire plot
We get the title card that a light just can't seem to spot.
Slow-motion faces and Japanese stock footage come next
And television's most creative lyrics help set the context.

Right off the bat we meet our heroes of the Stewart clan
The all-demographic family, with Dex, our alien main man.
And of course there's Ferbus, the little furry guy
Alas Yoda he is not, for he is definitely no Jedi.



Dex wishes for his grandfather the king to come on down from space
But grandpa's busy leading a planetary rebellion of his entire race.
So he gets all emo about Edenoi as back into the house they go
But the 'rents gives him a present, a whole friggin' player piano.

Hope you like terrible singing too, because they're having a ball
No wonder General Ja-er, Count Dregon wants to slaughter them all.
I'd forgotten that Sabanized Gedorian also speaks in rhyme
Whatever the case, the villains agree that it's now evil time.



Dex abuses his telekenetic space-bug powers, but I digress
Fuzzball deactivates the security systems (huh?) which makes sense I guess.
You can see why Ferb is so hated, why fans speak of him with rage in their voice
I'd still say he's better than Chiharu, but that's a pretty tough choice.

There's a strangely philosophical line about the nature of Saint Nick
But before I actually start praising this show, things go up in flames real quick.
The bad guys plot to literally capture Santa and destroy childrens' dreams
Not exactly Nazi Werewolves, though not half bad as far as evil schemes.

Back at the homestead Dex sets up a quaint little town
And screams like someone just kicked him in the junk whilst he's down.
This teleports in some insects to whom our hero is apparently endeared
And now suddenly ZO & J's giant bug friends don't really seem quite so weird.



The bad guys finally get their butts in gear, thank God
And they send down the Maggots, Masked Rider's original comedy goon squad.
But first we must endure more singing as tender as uncooked mutton,
As well as Dex's ability to master the VCR fast-forward button.



Wait, what the hell? Time-travellers on Christmas Eve?
No, it's just carolers, as much as I hate to believe.
Furbutt gets smashed into a wall but alas, does not go splat
Seriously show, couldn't you have just given Dex a talking genie cat?

Next Mom reads from a certain poem as the kids sit on the floor
Suddenly this review just got very meta, like a Decade Movie War.
I guess you really have to have someone there to narrate over Hairball's reign
As the little bastard reminds us why he (and the show) are held in such disdain.



Santa teleports in to start kicking some evil alien invader rear
...okay so I'm exaggerating a bit, but it beats what actually happens here.
Instead, the Maggots bust out and hijinks ensue
The family awakens but there's little they can do.



Dex awakens and becomes Masked Rider to deal with this task
And I hate to go on a tangent, but there's something I must ask.
Does anybody else think it's weird how RX's belt now becomes his face?
All I can say is, they got some nonsensical technology up there in space.

So after all that build-up, what's our Rider's big hit?
Something like a Kingstone Flash, and that's pretty much it.
The bad guys haul ass, and Santa prepares to make haste
Furby gets a cookie for doing jack, and our time has gone to waste.

But what's this? Can it be? Has Dex's wish really come true?
Grandpa shows up on Earth, and all physics or logic, he will now screw.
He uses his head beam thingy to slice the turkey for a Christmas meal
Ultra Seven should probably take him to court, but that's a whole 'nother deal.



Seriously Masked Rider, you could have been so cool,
When you appeared over on Power Rangers, it seemed like you would rule.
But that was before the Stewarts, Ferbus or silly alien screams
Your series proper just felt like an unending series of really bad dreams.

I swear upon all that there is, never again will I review this show
Except for maybe that episode featuring AMAZON!, but not the one we know.
This is the territory of people who know adaptations as well as the source
Whereas I barely know the difference between an SPD & a Mystic Force.

I'll just stick with the original stuff and end this review here
For 'tis the season for family, friends, good will and holiday cheer.
So I leave you, dear reader, with these parting words if I might:
Merry Christmas to all, and to all, just stick with Dragon Knight.




(Stay tuned for Rider Break! episode 2, coming in the near future.)