You really are the best, Aibô
Yaguruma SôTormented Soul with a Heart of Gold
I envy you. And no, I'm not talking about you- sitting there, safe and sound behind your monitor, drinking your soda and eating your Cheetos, simultaneously flipping between reading this and browsing Wikipedia for an explanation about that whack-ass "Three-Gen" system and playing the end of the last Den-O episode over and over so you can hear "Double Action Rod Form" again (since the single hasn't been leaked yet.) Believe it or not, for once, I don't envy you. Well I do, but not as much as I envy someone else right now.
That's right, I'm talking about you, Aibô. My partner in crime, the one and only Kageyama. You are the Jelly to my Peanut Butter, the Luigi to my Mario, the Chips to my Fish, the Chewbacca to my Han. I'd almost say you're even the Ichimonji to my Hongô, but I'm pretty sure they'd come beat the hell out of us if I did, so how about the Yuuki to my Kazami? That's close enough, right?
Oh, who am I kidding? Even if they came after us, we could take 'em. Because when we're together, nothing can stop us. Well, almost. I suppose a really, really big sword or gun (or swordgun, that is, a sword with a gun on it) or Renge's cooking could come close, but beyond that? We could take anybody.
Asakura? Please. Dude was all talk. "Lookit me, I'm crazeeee! Wooo!" Yeah, get in line, buddy. So what if you burned your house down or some junk. Oh yeah, and the purple? Not exactly the color of royalty you're trying to pass it off as. When even the pink guy is more of a man than you are, you know something's up. And what was up with that sword, anyway? "I'll horn you good!" Yeah, real threatening. But the best part, is that so-called Rider Kick of yours. Let's compare notes:
Me: Throws a lever, jumps up in the air, throws lever in reverse (with some really kickass sound effects, to boot) and then flying death is rained upon the enemy. Again, and again, and again. Yeah, I know I only did that like... well... once, but hey.
You: Run like a doofus with your arms up like that. What, are you supposed to be flying? And that scissors kick thing looks more like you want to get your enemy in a flying leg headlock, and brother, you don't want to know the ways I could go with that.
Also, what the heck was up with those episodes with the girl on the boat were you like, were good? Did the writers just up and forget that you killed your own brother a couple episodes befor-
Well, I'm getting off track again, aren't I? Forget Oujerrated, let's get back to you, Aibô. I remember the first time we met. That was back when I- or rather, Yaguruma Sô, who became me, because we're the same, just different- was the leader of SHADOW, hereafter known as the Loser Brigade. You were so young, so full of life, and so ambitious. Very ambitious, in fact, so much that you took up TheBee Zecter- which should rightfully be mine, no thanks to that idiot Kagami- and made it your own, at least until its attention deficiency set in again and it went to... wait for it... Tendô.
I like the way I say his name... Tendô. You can practically taste the malice, can't you?
Where was I again? Oh right, you. Or rather, us. We're losers, fallen from grace, the light, and all the other things that cute fluffy bunnies and little heart-shaped candies are made of. Fallen into Hell, from which we're now trying to clamber out of. This darkness, which consumes our hearts with every further minute that we breath, can only be-
Hey! Are you listening to me? Stop playing with that dog!
Right. The darkness, or rather I should say, THE DARKNESS!!1! which exists in the hearts of all men, and probably most women, but then I wouldn't really know seeing as how the writers never bothered to give me a romantic interest.
What? You've gotta be kidding me. Kageyama and I were friends, okay? F-R-I-E-N-D-S. Nothing more. So go impose your fantasies on, I dunno, Kagami and whatsisface rich kid or something. We're too uncool for that school. Because we're losers, remember? And all we have is each other.
Um, anyways, the light... our light, which we're trying once again to grasp. I dunno, I think it was in Siberia or something? Wait a minute, I'm going to have to finish this later, I just saw that White Cactus Worm lady again, man is she something. See? I did have a romantic interest after all! Take that and write a fanfic about it!
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No, You're The Man Now,
Kageyama ShunYaguruma's #1 Bestest Buddy in the Whole Wide World!!!
Aniki! You really are the greatest, did you know that? Just wanted to make sure, in case you forgot. Without you, my life would be nothing. I'd probably be working at Wal*Mart or- oh wait, do we have those in Japan? Well, I'd be working at Daei then, that's good enough.
Hey, you know what? You rock, Aniki! Just in case I didn't make it clear the first time. Anywho, remember that one time when Tendork was all like "Yous guys gotta helps us outs" and we were like "No way, jerkface" and he was all like "FINE! Wahwahwahangstbucket" and Kagami was like "Whuzuh?" and then you were like "Showed them who the bosses are" and I was like "You're awesome, Aniki!" and you were like "No, you're awesome, Aibô"!? Well, I just want you to know, there is nobody who is more awesome than you!
You always say that we're losers, and it's great to suck, and all that, but you know what? Nobody does it better than you, man. You are the best at being the worst, and nobody- I mean nobody- can compare. Rock on for great
And how about when we beat up that Cassisworm guy? Showed him up, right! Ol' Mr. Classyworm was all like "Ooga-booga!" and you were just all badass like "I am Batman!" or something and we totally pwned his blue butt! Yeah! Castroworm was no match for the power of the Hopper Bros. We could take anyone, I bet! Even a million billion Crossworms or whatever. We'd punch and kick all of them until they were just a bunch of splats on the road, and then, and this is my favorite part, we'd totally just walk away like the coolest guys in the world.
You know what, Aniki? I think we should start wearing sunglasses more often! Not only would we look even cooler and more badass, but they'd shield our eyes from the light. It would be like darkness 24/7! Doesn't get better than that, does it?
Oh yeah, have I mentioned that you're the best in a while? Well, you are! You and me, bro, we're the unbeatable team. No matter what happens, we'll always be best buddies. And we'll be together forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever. Even if one or both of us die, because we're so badass that death doesn't come to take us, we let it drive us to the big punchbowl in the sky because we want it to. That's how awesome we, and especially you, are. Never forget that, dude. You. Rock.
Welcome to Yaguruma. Population: Awesome.
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